Ep. 5 The Day The Earth Shook... Again
SAM
When I read articles about Karel Čapek, I feel like he’s often presented as this unsung hero of dystopian literature. But I think of him as more of a disillusioned optimist, someone who believed in the project of humanity and also understood how easily it could take a turn for the worse. In a journal only published after his death, Čapek wrote: "It was last spring, when the world was looking rather bleak economically, and even worse politically - apropos of I don't know what, I wrote the sentence: `You mustn't think that the evolution that gave rise to us was the only evolutionary possibility on this planet.' And that was it. That sentence was the reason I wrote War with the Newts."
MUSIC: Best of Us
SAM INTRO
Episode 5: The Day The Earth Shook, Again.
FRANCIS (in NEWS BROADCAST)
Today I accept the heavy mantle of leadership. But I do so without joy or ambition, only determination. For if our kind is to survive, then indeed this must be our finest hour.
NARRATOR
The political rise of Madam Francis Drake was stunning to watch, but not altogether unexpected.
FRANCIS (in NEWS BROADCAST)
Thank you, and good night.
NARRATOR
Just two weeks earlier, when I walked into the brand new offices for Mr. Bondy’s Salamander Syndicate, everyone was gathered around the radio. There had been an explosion in the English Channel.
NEWS (UK 1/2)
(fade in) The Belgian ferry Oudenbourg was the site of a grisly incident this morning, when several underwater explosions capsized the vessel. We can confirm the loss of fourteen passengers, as well as the death of at least one hundred newts, (fade out) whose burnt remains were said to have launched sky high within the explosions. Was this an accident? An attack? As of this report, nothing definitive is known -- including the nationality of these newts -- but the world demands answers.
NARRATOR
The Channel Incident, as it soon became known, was the first recorded moment of newts killing humans. And it put then Prime Minister Richard Drake in quite a bind.
RICHARD (in scene)
What do you mean, tell the truth?
FRANCIS
I mean the truth, Richy!
NARRATOR
The truth was that the explosion was caused by British newts, armed by the British government, and sent by the British Prime Minister to fortify the channel.
FRANCIS
I told you nothing good would come of this
RICHARD
But the explosion was an accident!
FRANCIS
Then say so!
NARRATOR
But rather than listen to his wife, and tell the truth, the prime minister came up with a better idea.
NEWS (UK 2)
Minister Drake has blamed yesterday’s explosion on the Germans, and vows to respond by enhancing Britain’s own newt defenses.
RICHARD
Ahh, see now we can get on with fortifying the Channel.
FRANCIS
But Richy, the Germans had nothing to do with this. Shouldn’t we--?
RICHARD
Francis, you innocent pet, you wouldn’t last a day in my job.
NARRATOR
But it was the Prime Minister himself who would not last a day in his job, after an anonymous source leaked the truth to the press.
NEWS (UK 1)
Scandal consumes 10 Downing Street as leaked documents show the full extent of newt activity in the English Channel (fade out). We now know that fully armed newts have been deployed from at least three destroyers, even though the safety and accuracy of their underwater armaments have yet to be fully tested.
NEWS (UK 2)
Who will answer for this grave breach of the public’s trust? (fade) So far there has been no comment from Prime Minister Drake or his staff, who seem to have retreated entirely from the public eye.
RICHARD
A mole! In my own cabinet!! Who would do this to me?
FRANCIS
Well at least it’s out there now.
RICHARD
Shut up, Woman! You’re supposed to make me feel better!
FRANCIS
…and you’re supposed to have at least a shred of integrity.
RICHARD
Francie I…
NARRATOR
Integrity, not so much. But dignity, yes. So Richard scheduled another press conference.
RICHARD (in NEWS BROADCAST)
Today I announce my resignation as your prime minister, effective at 9 am tomorrow morning
SFX: commotion, questions
NARRATOR
But this is where things really get interesting.
NEWS (UK 1)
After three full days of deliberation, Richard’s successor has yet to emerge. (fade under) In the absence of a sitting Prime Minister, all military activity in the Channel has been halted, pending a complete review by the incoming government. The recently mobilized newt battalions have meanwhile been ordered to stand by. Meanwhile an uncertain public watches anxiously as the newt question becomes the latest fault line in British politics.
NARRATOR
The ruling Conservative party scrambled to select a replacement candidate, but they were deadlocked over what to do about newt militarization. Should we arm these creatures, or not
Francis turns off the radio, the music stops. Pace slows and for the ambience and texture of a scene.
FRANCIS
Well at least now there can be peace. (sighs)
RICHARD
Hah...what do you know about peace? Just wait until the Germans actually send their newts into the Channel. Then we can see how you feel about peace. Now be a darling Francis and fetch me a drink… Go on then.
FRANCIS
I leaked the story to the press.
RICHARD
You what?
FRANCIS
I leaked it, myself. Because I do believe in peace, a lot more than I believe in you.
RICHARD
You…
FRANCIS
That’s right, me. And I’d do it again if it made any difference. And I’m not afraid to admit it!
Francis slams door, music resumes
NEWS (UK 1)
In a stunning turn, Ms. Francis Drake announces that she was the leak, and calls on parliament to immediately disband all newt battalions.
FRANCIS (talking to press, nervously)
It’s like I told Richy, um, the former Prime Minister, rather – mixing newts and guns is a recipe for trouble (fade under). I say what we need to do now is just be honest, you know, like I’m honest with him. And trust that the world will understand.
NARRATOR
That was probably the first day most of the world even knew the name Francis Drake. She came from a small coastal town in southern England, where her father was an Anglican minister. As the story goes, young Francis was determined to become a nun, and was all set to take her vows when an up and coming local politician convinced her to get married instead. Now, after decades of waving and smiling from her husband’s side, Francis was the one people wanted to hear from.
FRANCIS (talking to press)
Really, I take no joy in betraying my husband’s trust, but the public deserves the truth, and they deserve peace. Thank you.
NARRATOR
The public, for their part, was genuinely moved by this woman who put her country and values ahead of her own husband. And the leaders of the Conservative Party, still locked in a bitter debate over leadership, took note.
NEWS (UK 1)
I repeat, the Conservative Party has selected Madame Francis Drake to be the next Prime Minister (fade out), defying all political convention, but affirming the will of the people, who in recent days have rallied around this unlikely hero.
FRANCIS (in NEWS BROADCAST)
His Majesty the King has asked me to form a government and, well what can I say.
NARRATOR
Francis said yes.
FRANCIS (in NEWS BROADCAST)
…For if our kind is to survive, then indeed this must be our finest hour.
The Radio turns off.
RICHARD
It’s late, darling. Come to bed?
FRANCIS
Afraid I’ve more reports to go through. You weren’t kidding about that part of the job. Don’t wait up. Oh and Richy, enough of this ‘darling’ business – from now on, do refer to me as Madame Prime Minister, won’t you? Good night.
Richard sighs, shuts the door.
SFX – Wet footsteps.
MR. PONDSWORTH
Your tea, Madame.
FRANCIS
Thank you. Pondsworth. That will be all.
MR. PONDSWORTH
Certainly, Madame.
FRANCIS
Wait. Pondsworth – what do you think?
MR. PONDSWORTH
…what do I think?
FRANCIS
Seeing as you’re the only newt I know… this issue of guns and the like, where does your species stand on the matter?
MR. PONDSWORTH
I… We…
SFX: Phone call
FRANCIS
Hold that thought. (Picking up the phone) Hello? They did WHAT?
SFX: Adjusting the radio dial.
NEWS (UK 1)
We interrupt your regular programming for breaking news. Germany has blown up the coastal Polish border city of Szczenin. With water pouring in, they’ve named the ensuing chasm, “The Scheuzer Sea,” and declared it German territory. Quote: “A glorious new home for Über Newts.”
FRANCIS
Über Newts?
NEWS (UK 1)
We now go live to Germany for an official statement.
SFX: Marching, calling orders, Uber Newt sound
NARRATOR
Dear listeners, allow me to introduce German Chancellor Hans Thüring and the Berlin Children’s Choir.
SFX: Uber newt calls
NARRATOR…and featuring, the Uber Newt.
HANS THURING
Quiet!
SFX: Crack of the whip. One more whimper from the Uber Newt. Thuring clears his throat.
“Ode to the Über Newt”
(a rousing choral number)
CHILDREN
Bless our Über Newt
Diese molch hat reines blut
Our enemies shall flee, before our Über Newt
HANS THÜRING
Behold this physical specimen,
Superior in every fashion,
His boots and armor are neatly polished,
Now the world will bow before us.
TOGETHER
Bless our Über Newt
Diese molch hat reines blut
Our enemies shall flee, before our Über Newt
HANS THÜRING (spoken)
I will now take questions!
CHILD 1
What makes the Über Newt greater than all other newts?
HANS THÜRING
This newt is German! Next question.
CHILD 2
And why is the German newt better than all the others?
HANS THÜRING:
Because it is from Germany!
CHILD 3
But why must Germany make war with the newts?
Music stops, tense moment. Angry growling from the newt.
HANS THÜRING
Oh silly, innocent child. Germany does not make war with the newts, England makes war with the newts. Germany’s job is to show England that their puny lazy salamanders are no match for the superior strength of ze Uber Newt!
SFX: Uber newt gets unruly
HANS THÜRING
Nein!
SFX: Cracking of a whip
HANS THÜRING
No further questions!
HANS THÜRING (sung)
Consider the newts of our English neighbors,
Their stunted form and loose behavior,
Ours is light of skin and tall in stature,
Fed on German soil and German water
EVERYONE
Bless our Über Newt - la la la la la (uber newt sings a descant)
Diese molch hat reines blut - lu lu lu lu lu lu
Our enemies shall flee, before our Über Newt
FRANCIS
Assemble the cabinet…now!
Music cuts out with turn of radio dial
MID-ROLL
BONDY (House Ad)
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SFX: Doors swing open, Francis enters. Hubbub, worry, all men.
NARRATOR
Within an hour of the explosion in Poland and the reveal of the Über Newt, there was more bad news for Francis Drake – and this time, it was closer to home.
INTELLIGENCE
Madam Prime Minister, a newt submarine has been spotted -- fifteen clicks east of Aldeburgh and headed into the channel…
CIVICS
They’re taunting us.
NAVY
Shall we engage, Madam?
FRANCIS
Is it German?
NAVY
Of course it’s German. It’s those bloody Uber-Newts!
CIVICS
We don’t know that.
FRANCIS
I need confirmation
INTELLIGENCE
Working on it.
SFX: Typing, hubbub
NARRATOR
I can’t say whether poor Francis felt this pressure herself, but I know that all across Europe people like me were waiting anxiously to see what she’d do next. Would she engage?
CIVICS
Madam, a direct engagement is just what they’re looking for -- the spark to the powder keg.
NAVY
You can’t light a powder keg underwater, you idiot. A torpedo, on the other hand--
CIVICS
It was a metaphor!
SFX: Phone ringing.
FRANCIS
I followed just fine, thank you.
NAVY
Madam, we’ve got three battalions on shore, just beneath the surface.
FRANCIS
We what? I ordered all Newts to be disarmed.
NAVY
That you did. But they can pick up those arms, swim out, end this before tea time.
SFX: Phone ringing.
FRANCIS
Where are we on confirmation?
INTELLIGENCE
Still awaiting a response.
CIVICS
You promised peace, Madam Prime Minister! Think of your constituents--
NAVY
--who’ll be drowning in no time.
CIVICS
Think of the world!
SFX: Phone ringing…
FRANCIS
Will someone answer the bloody phone?
INTELLIGENCE (picking up)
Madam… it’s your husband.
SFX: She picks up.
FRANCIS
Everybody out.
SFX: The room hesitantly rising, exiting. Francis sighs.
FRANCIS
Thank you, Richard. Oh—no, God, I don’t actually want your advice. I just needed a moment to myself, which is hard to ask for when you’re new around here -- and you’re a woman -- and Germany’s all but begging you to declare war -- thanks for that, by the way.
That wasn’t an invitation to answer.
I just told you -- you’re an excuse, a brief respite, not a--
Then hang up!
Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you!
SFX: She hangs up. A beat. She breathes…
SFX: The phone rings again.
FRANCIS
What, Richard?
NARRATOR
Oh, I-- sorry, I’m not your--
FRANCIS
Of course. My apologies. Well, give it to me then, is that submarine German?
NARRATOR
Madam, I don’t work for intelligence, I--
FRANCIS
Then who the hell are you?
NARRATOR
I, um-- I’m… telling this story.
FRANCIS
Oh. What?
NARRATOR
It’s just, once you’re off the phone we both know your advisors are going to rush back in and… it seemed like you could use another moment to yourself, so...
FRANCIS
I could use a lot more than that.
NARRATOR
You and me both.
A breath. A beat.
FRANCIS
That submarine. It might not be German.
NARRATOR
It is.
FRANCIS
Damn. I promised them peace.
NARRATOR
I know.
FRANCIS
It’s Richard’s fault, really. He’s the one who -- I’m sorry, where are you calling from?
NARRATOR
It’s a long story.
FRANCIS
Don’t suppose you could tell it?
NARRATOR
Not right now. Sorry.
FRANCIS
Why not? Please?
NARRATOR
Because this isn’t about me. All I can do is buy you a little time.
SFX: The door swings up. People rushing back in.
FRANCIS
Buy a little time…
INTELLIGENCE
Madam, confirmation received! It’s--
FRANCIS
German, yes I know.
CIVIC
Madam, please, think of your people!
NAVY
We’ve got to act fast, Madam. Before they can--
FRANCIS
Just a moment! ...One submarine, you said?
INTELLIGENCE
Yes Madam.
FRANCIS
How many newts inside?
NAVY
No more than fifty. We can crush them in no time.
FRANCIS
We will do no such thing.
CIVICS
Oh thank goodness.
FRANCIS
Put fifty of our own newts into one of our submarines.
CIVICS
What??
FRANCIS
Send it out ten clicks.
NAVY
They won’t be in weapons range at that distance!
FRANCIS
Our weapons or theirs?
NAVY
Well both!
FRANCIS
Perfect.
CIVICS
Madam, what are you--?
NAVY
What the hell are you after?
FRANCIS
I’m buying us some time.
Beat, no one responds
FRANCIS
Well go on then!
SFX: Everyone springs into action -- papers, doors, phones -- commotion fades under…
NARRATOR
It was a plan that no one loved -- too hawkish for the doves and too dovish for the hawks -- but by playing at war, the prime minister was able to keep the peace. The two newt-filled submarines faced off at a safe distance, then both went on their way.
Music transitions
NARRATOR
It was an uneasy peace though, and it crept across Europe: along the coasts, up the rivers and into the canals.
NEWS BROADCAST (UK)
French warships were spotted conducting joint military exercises alongside armed newts near the port of Brest. (fade) If successful, this tactic could soon be exported to colonial bases on the north and west coast of Africa.
NEWS (Australian)
The Italian navy has established a newt training ground in the city of Otranto, raising fears of a full blockade on the Adriatic Sea. (fade) In neighboring Yugoslavia, King Alexander expressed immediate outrage and vowed a full-scale amphibious deployment.
NARRATOR
There was talk of blockades, secret alliances, and underwater armies.
NEWS BROADCAST (US)
In an attempt at military deterrence, the Swiss Army took the drastic step of importing newts by rail to Lake Geneva, though it remains to be seen whether the creatures will thrive in the alpine environment.
NEWS BROADCAST (Spanish)
Romania is amassing newt forces in the Black Sea, where the relatively low salinity has greatly accelerated the animal’s breeding cycle. Soviet scientists have already begun investigating the phenomenon, in order to develop spawning facilities of its own.
NEWS (US)
All along the Danube in Vienna, Budapest and Bratislava, the riverbanks are already being fortified in anticipation of a potential assault. It could come from any direction, at any time.
NARRATOR
We couldn’t see the soldiers and weapons being marshaled on all sides. We didn’t know their names or even care if they lived or died. They were newts after all. Our newts, their newts, what did it matter. They were breeding so fast at this point that we were running out of places to put them. So we all just listened to the news reports, learned to stay away from the water, and tried to go about our lives with the gnawing feeling that any day the whole thing could just… snap. But living everyday like it could be your last does strange things to the human psyche…
SFX: Writing. Scribbling. Fervent.
WOLF MEYNERT
Yes… Yes…
SFX: Tears sheet of paper from pad and continues
NARRATOR
Within this unease, it’s impossible to identify the exact moment that Wolf Meynert, the famed Austrian philosopher, was seized with inspiration for his final book.
WOLF MEYNERT (in German)
Die Menschheit hat ihren letzten Vorhang erreicht. In den Augen des Salamanders werden unsere Fehler deutlich. Ich kann nicht so tun, als würde ich trauern, denn was alles andere als sicher ist, Der Aufstieg des Molches rückt näher.
NARRATOR
But it’s not so difficult to picture him looking out upon the Adriatic coastline from his seaside retreat, his long, unkempt hair blowing in the wind, the sky, red from amphibious munitions tests, and his hand barely keeping up with the words that came pouring out.
WOLF MEYNERT
Yes yes, the time has come to write my opus…
NARRATOR
He called it:
WOLF MEYNART
...Zwielicht der Menschheit.
NARRATOR
The Twilight of Humanity…
“Wolf Minart vs. X”
(a dark, pulsing tune, in two parts)
WOLF MEYNERT (out of time)
The tragedy of humankind has reached its final curtain
In the salamander's eyes, our flaws are made clear.
I cannot pretend to mourn, for what is all but certain,
The rise of the newt, is drawing near.
NARRATOR
It was a radical idea, but it did have a certain logic. I mean, the newts didn’t hurt a soul until they met us. So if humanity's the problem, maybe the world would be better off if we just gave it to the newts.
WOLF MEYNERT
If you believe as I do, let us bow before the newt.
SFX: Typewriter buttons STRIKE. Tempo starts.
NARRATOR
But there were other extremes. In England, an anti-newt pamphlet was appearing, scattered in parks and nailed to the doors of unassuming homeowners.
X
People of the world. Hear me. This is your final warning.
NARRATOR
It was a single page in length, and signed simply: X.
X
I say no more newt trade!
Can’t you see the meaning of our dealing is to give venom to the snake,
We feed them, arm then, hire them, need them -- that was our mistake,
The solution cannot wait until a war with the newt is finally here.
If you believe as I do, then eliminate the newt.
SFX: Scribbling on paper
WOLF MEYNERT
No no no, you don’t understand. It is we who are the disease.
WOLF MEYNERT
Show me one human being, whose life has a meaning
Show me a class without strife, a race without fear.
The world will know, a true evolution,
When the age of the newt, is finally here.
X:
No! No! No!
Walk to the water’s edge,
There’s a curtain that divides our world from that of the great abyss.
We have pulled it back and now we have to fight just to exist.
I am certain as the sea itself that war with the newt, is drawing near.
BOTH
If you believe as I do, then there’s nothing else to do.
SFX: Instrumental break
NARRATOR
When their works first appeared, Wolf Minart and X were at the fringes of public opinion. Yet somehow, it’s like the more people they reached, the more extreme the message became...
STREET PREACHER
Make way for the newts my fellow humans! Make way for the newts! For the honor of our species, make way for the newts!
PROTEST CHANT
Reject the newt machine! Reject the newt machine! Reject the newt machine!
EVANGELICAL PASTOR
Praise the newt in it’s simple glory. Hail them and yield to them. For we have found our better angels and they are newts! Praise be unto them. Amen!
RADIO HOST
I don’t want to see newts acting on TV, I don’t want to see newts building bridges. I want them gone, and I mean gone, and don’t care what it takes.
PROTEST CHANT
You are not a newt! You are not a newt! You are not a newt!
NEW AGEY RECORDING
My sisters and brothers, embrace and rejoice in this our final chapter! For it is only through extinction, that can humanity find salvation.
BULLHORN SPEAKER
This world belongs to humans, and if you want to keep it that way we need to stand up and fight!
WOLF MINART and X reprise their two verses, but layered on top of each other in counterpoint. Culminating in...
TOGETHER
If you believe as I do, then the world cannot have two
And if we see this thing through, we know who will fall to who...
NARRATOR
We were so busy fighting with each other, no one noticed that the newts themselves had gone silent.
SFX: Earthquake
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 5 featured…
Josh Malina as Wolf Meynert. Now, I have a hunch that roughly 97% of you listeners have already binged West Wing at least twice — shout out to my Will Bailey stans — but did you know that Josh has got a great podcast called Chuztpod!, where he and Rabbi Shira Stutman bring a Jewish lens to life's toughest questions. Check it out! The mysterious X was played by Alecia Chakour, who sings with the Tedeschi Trucks Band and recently released her excellent, soulful, haunting EP, lotusland, under the name Chakoura. And that was Avery Nelson taking center stage as Hans Thüring, who — on top of his German choral work — is a beautiful pianist. Keep an eye out for Avery’s own debut EP “Hammers and Felt,” which features original arrangements of classic songs, plus an all new tune, coming out this summer.
Additional roles were performed by Dominic Cuskern, Clay Westman, Neil Tyrone Pritchard, Cathryn Wake, Sarah Naughton, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Marco Werman, Crystal Genesis, Laura Sydell, Adam Monahan, Nathan Barnett, Jon-Michael Reese, Marshall Pailet, Joseph Medeiros, and Lindsay Nicole Chambers, our steadfast, trusty narrator.
The music was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums, and featured Sid Iyer (EYE-er), Lenny Fiannaca (fia-NAH-cah, Robbie Veglahn (VEG-len), Sam Lapine (la-PYNE) and Thomas Gatzke (GATS-key) of the Tufts Beelzebubs making their star turn as the Berlin Children’s Choir. They were joined on that one by Kelsey Tyssowski on flute as well.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and all of you, you blessed Uber Newts, for tuning in.
Newts will return in our epic finale, Episode 6: THE LADDER OF CIVILIZATION. See you then.