Ep 6. The Ladder of Civilization
SAM
Hey everyone, Sam here, one last time. If you couldn’t tell by now, I’ve loved Karel Capek for years. And one of the great things about loving Capek is: there’s so much of it. He wrote novels, plays, columns, detective stories — even a gardening guide, which is truly the most poetic reflection on working the soil you’ll ever find. “A garden is never finished.” He wrote. “In that sense it is like the human world and all human undertakings.” Sometimes I wonder what else Capek might’ve created, had he lived through World War II, Soviet annexation, the Velvet Revolution and the fall of the Berlin Wall. But Karel Capek died in 1938. As England and France let Germany advance into Czechoslovakia, Capek caught a cold, fixing some flood damage to his family’s summer home. He was a heavy smoker, and developed pneumonia. When the Nazi Gestapo came to arrest him a few months later, they were suprised to learn that Karel Capek was already dead.
“The Best of Us”
(An Invocation. A Dirge.)
NARRATOR
Here's to the faucet dripping at night,
The stove in kitchen would never light,
And here's to the boots that never fit quite right,
Here's to the rain, and here's to the rust,
And here's to the best of us,
Here's to the best of us.
Here's to the mailbox buried in snow,
The flood in the basement when the pipes froze,
And here's to the bedroom door that never closed.
Here's to the rain, and here's to the rust,
And here's to the best of us,
Here's to the best of us.
And who is to blame? And who is to trust?
And who are the best of us? Who are the best of us
SAM
Episode 6: The Ladder of Civilization
NARRATOR
The first earthquake hit New Orleans, Louisiana.
Static. Bits of calls for help...Newt voices poke through the static
HUMAN SIGNALS (Southern accent)
This is Baton Rouge. We need help! Hurry! Mud’s raining down and the levee’s about to go!
What in god’s name is going on down there?
Shreveport, do you read me? Alexandria, do you read me? Dammit, does anybody read me?
NEWT SIGNALS
Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?
Um, excuse me. Hello Hello speaking?
NARRATOR
The second earthquake came just a few days later, in the Jiangsu province of China.
Rumble. Static. More calls for help. Newt signal still trying.
HUMAN SIGNALS (Mandarin)
Shanghai is gone. The whole city is just gone.
Is there any word from Nantong?
Could this be the work of a new Japanese superweapon?
Send every boat on the Yangtze river downstream. There’s not much time.
NEWS (Japanese)
The city of Shanghai has disappeared into the ocean. As of this time, there is no explanation.
上海が海に沈んだとの報告が入ってきました。現時点で何が起こったかはわかっていないとのことです。
NEWT SIGNAL
Hello? Hello? Is this getting through?
Why is no one answering. Hello? Helloooo!?
NARRATOR
The earth didn’t just shake. It collapsed – as if the ground we walked on were merely a delicate shell – and everywhere the earth cracked and crumbled, water was there to rush in.
INTELLIGENCE
We’re picking up seismic readings from our station in Gibraltar. It’s a big one.
Lagos, can you confirm?
We’ve no reports of seismic activity here. Freetown, anything there?
NARRATOR
The third earthquake was on the coast of Senegal, just south of Dakar.
Rumble Static. Calls for help are all mashed together.
NARRATOR
In an instant, the city was gone, and the ocean just a little bit bigger.
HUMAN SIGNALS (French)
We can see the water from the airport. The ocean has come to us.
Is the main road still passable, can we bring relief supplies by land?
Sir you don’t understand, that road doesn’t go anywhere now. Send help by ships.
NARRATOR
It was a sign, clearly. But a sign of what...A vengeful god? A German superweapon? A disruption of the earth’s magnetic field? Everyone had ideas, but it seemed like no one wanted to pay attention to the obvious explanation, the one that was literally calling out to be heard.
Music cuts through, peppy surf rock
NEWT SIGNAL
Hello! Calling all humans! Chief Salamander Hello, leader of the Newt Federation, requests your attention for a musical number, commencing in --
Signal cuts out, static and tuning sounds
SFX: On a boat, water and voices
Guitars. Newts getting broadcast ready. Static
INTELLIGENCE
I swear this radio’s gone batty on me. I keep picking up croaking sounds and guitars.
NAVY
Let me have a listen.
Fumbling with the headset
INTELLIGENCE
Then there’s something in there about a chief sala ---
NAVY
Shush…(listens).
INTELLIGENCE
Is that a newt we’re hearing?
NAVY
Ohhh...goodness…(takes off headset) Get me the Madame Prime Minister.
Footsteps on metal deck, martial music
NARRATOR
Disaster has a way of bringing out the best in people, even if just for a moment. And so when the coast of Senegal fell into the sea, the British Atlantic fleet, the greatest naval fighting force in the world, immediately mobilized to bring in relief supplies.
Footsteps continue, door opening
NARRATOR
The Prime Minister herself rode on the lead ship. For this was to be her diplomatic triumph, and no one, not even the Germans could mess it up this time. They were just rounding the Iberian Peninsula when the news arrived.
Music stops. Footsteps stop, stand at attention, deck bustles with activity
NAVY
We’ve picked up a transmission.
FRANCIS
Well about time. And?
NAVY
You better hear it for yourself.
Puts on headphones. Ocean and ship sounds disappear, transmission begins.
NEWT SIGNAL
The Amphibious Broadcasting Corporation now presents this message from Chief Salamander Hello. Live in ten (fade under), nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Commencing...now.
NARRATOR
If the newts had learned anything from their years of observing human civilization, it was that messaging is everything. And so they had prepared a full PR campaign for their political debut, complete with music.
Crackle, beep
“Hello, Hello”
(Cheery surf-rock, fun in the sun)
NEWT CHORUS
Hello hello, listen up humans,
Hello hello, please stop what you're doing,
Chief Salamander speaks!
CHIEF SALAMANDER (spoken)
Hello! Hello! Chief Salamander Hello speaking.
I know you’re probably wondering what’s going on with all these floods and earthquakes.
NEWT CHORUS
It was us!
CHIEF SALAMANDER
Yes, we’ve been trying to tell you, but I’m afraid that was us. Please accept this message of explanation.
NEWT CHORUS
There is no need for alarm. For we mean humankind no harm
CHIEF SALAMANDER
We’re 100 million strong and we need more water to live in.
So we blew up Louisiana, with the weapons you’ve given.
Now we can get along, go surfin’ in the sun together
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
NEWT CHORUS
Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!
CHIEF SALAMANDER
Say who remembers the Salamander Dance? Let’s Go!
Instrumental Break.
NARRATOR
It turns out that with a few well-placed torpedoes and depth charges, the newts had found a new way to expand their habitat of shallow coastal waters.
NAVY
Madam Minister. We’re getting reports of unsanctioned newt movements in the Mediterranean.
FRANCIS
Whose newts?
NAVY
I’m afraid they’re ours.
INTELLIGENCE
There’s reports of more seismic activity off the coast of Cyprus
FRANCIS
Tell them to start evacuating the island, now!
Transmission gets staticky
INTELLIGENCE
And we’ve traced the broadcast to a radio ship.
FRANCIS
And whose ship is it?
NAVY
Again, one of ours.
FRANCIS
sigh
INTELLIGENCE
Madam...there’s no word from Cyprus. Just static.
Static builds
CHIEF SALAMANDER
Hello! Hello!
Sorry about that last earthquake. It’s just that, I’m afraid our population projections were, shall we say, conservative.
NEWT CHORUS
It was us!
CHIEF SALAMANDER
Sorry, we should really be all set for a while now though, I think…
NEWT CHORUS
We’ll be as careful as we can, but we need to take more land
CHIEF SALAMANDER
What could be wrong with doing what we’ve been doing?
Just trying to make the world better for our children.
We can still get along, go surfin’ in the sun together
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
NEWT CHORUS
Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello!
CHIEF SALAMANDER
OK, thanks for listening! Ta-ta for now.
Instrumental Break.
FRANCIS
Where in bloody hell is that radio ship?
NAVY
It’s just off Gibraltar ma’am, not but fifteen klicks from here.
FRANCIS
Well then blow that ship out of the water! Isn’t that what all these guns are for!?
NAVY (over radio)
All ships, converge on these coordinates: (fade under) 36.1427, by 7.1580. Load the artillery, arm the torpedoes and prepare to fire.
NARRATOR
Pretty soon the entire relief fleet was diverted in pursuit of Chief Salamander’s radio ship.
FRANCIS
On my mark. Ready. Aim. Fire!
Boom! Explosion. Music cuts out. Static.
FRANCIS
Well?
NAVY
Direct hit madame
Moment of static, then a crackly voice emerges
CHIEF SALAMANDER
How could you, point your gunships at me?
After all, weren’t you the ones who set us free?
But if you insist that we’re the enemy
We’ll just have to send those ships to the bottom of the sea.
The bottom of the sea.
FRANCIS
Where is that transmission coming from now?
INTELLIGENCE
I don’t understand, it’s on every channel…
NAVY
Madam, we’re picking up movement on sonar, headed this way.
FRANCIS
They wouldn’t dare...
Music builds
NEWT CHORUS
We are sorry if this hurts, but you attacked us first.
CHIEF SALAMANDER
We’re half a billion strong and the tadpoles keep on comin’
So I’d recommend that you all move to the mountains
Then we can get along, go surfin’ in the sun together
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
SFX: Explosions
NAVY
We’ve lost our lead destroyer
INTELLIGENCE
We’re hit!
NAVY
Mayday! Mayday!
FRANCIS
All ships retreat, retreat.
CHIEF SALAMANDER (with NEWTS CHORUS responding)
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
--Hello! Hello!
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
--Hello! Hello!
And if we need more shore, we’ll be sure to let you know.
--Hello! Hello!...
NEWT CHORUS
Hello hello, listen up humans,
Hello hello, go back to what you're doing,
Chief Salamander out!
Radio sound cuts out
Phone ringing
FRANCIS (pan left)
Come on… please answer, dammit!
Click
NARRATOR
Hey! So you made it back OK then?
FRANCIS
OK? Do I sound OK? I had to get scooped out of the Strait of Gibraltar in a liferaft!
NARRATOR
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.
FRANCIS
Who are you again? I thought I was dialing the president of France.
NARRATOR
I’m telling this story, remember?
FRANCIS
Right. Well can you put me through to France then?
NARRATOR
Of course.
A beat. Nothing happens.
FRANICS
Well? Do it, then.
NARRATOR
What if we took a deep breath first?
FRANCIS
A what?
NARRATOR
A breath. A pause. A—
FRANCIS
I have a world to save!
NARRATOR
I know. And I know you’re trying. I just thought—
FRANCIS
Patch me through to France.
NARRATOR
Okay.
FRANCIS
Now!
NARRATOR
Good luck.
Hold music, pan left
NARRATOR (to FRANCE)
Sir, I’ve got England on Line 1.
FRANCE (pan right)
Yes, well they always call when they need help. Put her through.
NARRATOR
OK. Stand by.
Click. Hold music ends
FRANCE
Oui? ‘Allo?
FRANCIS
Listen old friend, there’s not much time. We’ve got half-sunken ships scattered from here to Casablanca, but we’re not giving up. With a little cooperation, we can win! An Allied front!
FRANCE
Yes, well I’m afraid reinforcements are not possible.
FRANCIS
And why not?
FRANCE
We simply cannot spare the resources.
FRANCIS
But you had no trouble taking our food down in Senegal.
FRANCE
That was your decision, for which we are very grateful.
FRANCIS
If we lose they’ll come straight for you next!
FRANCE
And we are also very grateful for the extra time you’re giving us to bolster our defenses. Merci!
FRANCIS
Sigh
NARRATOR
Excuse me Madam Minster—
FRANCIS
Not now!
NARRATOR
No no, uh, Germany finally called you back -- they’re on line 2.
FRANCIS (to FRANCE)
I’ve got to take this, but don’t you dare hang up, Monsieur President.
NARRATOR
Stand by for the calling party
FRANCE
I’ll be here
Click
GERMANY (pan left)
Guten-tag Frau Minister!
FRANCIS (now pan right)
Listen, you no-good, double dealing Kraut --
GERMANY
What? I’m just returning your call.
FRANCIS
You better have a good explanation for why those bloody newts are shooting us with German bloody torpedoes!
GERMANY
Oh, ya, that.
FRANCIS
Yes. THAT.
GERMANY
I see no problem - they paid full price.
FRANCIS
You’re arming the enemy!
GERMANY
Maybe your enemy, but...
NARRATOR (to GERMANY)
Um, excuse me, Herr Chancellor.
GERMANY
Ah, yes?
NARRATOR
France just called, they’re on line three.
FRANCIS
Well, what have you got to say for yourself?
GERMANY
One moment, I’ve got to take another call.
FRANCIS
Well it better be good!
Click
FRANCE (now pan left)
Halo?
GERMANY (pan right)
Ya, I’m here.
FRANCE
By chance have you heard from Madame Drake today?
GERMANY
Ya. Awkward…
FRANCE
Do you think the Newts will come for us next?
GERMANY
No. Never! The best weapons are German! And the best food is French.
FRANCE
But of course.
GERMANY
Well I shouldn’t leave the Madame Minister waiting too long, she might get suspicious.
FRANCE
Ah yes, I have her on one of these lines as well.
Click
FRANCE (now pan right)
Well whatever you do, don’t tell Madam Drake we’re selling all our food-stocks to the newts!!
FRANCIS (pan center)
You’re what??
FRANCE
Ehhhh
GERMANY (pan left)
Did you merge the lines you imbecile?
FRANCIS
Wait, are both of you selling to the newts!?!
FRANCE
…If we said no, would you feel better?
FRANCIS
No it doesn’t make me feel bloody better!
GERMANY
Well…
FRANCIS
My people are dying! They’re DROWNING out there!
GERMANY
And how is that our problem?
FRANCIS
Whatever happened to solidarity? To goodness among men! To the enemy of my enemy is my friend?
FRANCE
I’m sorry — who is the enemy in this scenario?
FRANCIS
…Maybe no one. Listen chaps, since you’re both so well acquainted with this Chief Salamander, do you think you could arrange a meeting? Face to face?
FRANCE
What for?
FRANCIS
A negotiation. I say the time for fighting is over. There’s plenty of planet to go around, if we can just find a way to work together.
GERMAN
A noble sentiment, Madam Drake.
FRANCIS
Yes, I think so. Well you tell the Chief I’ll be waiting in the Swiss Alps. And if you care about the future of humanity, you’ll be there too.
SFX: Slams down phone receiver
MID-ROLL
HOUSE AD
This podcast is brought to you by the Salamander Syndicate. Hi, I’m Mr. Bondy. I know we’ve all had a tough year — and that’s why your safety and comfort are our top priority. We here at the Salamander Syndicate personally vet every newt laborer for physical fitness and total obedience. Rest assured, our newts are good newts. And now, when you buy one get two free with promo code BONDY at checkout. That’s B-O-N-D-Y, Bondy.
SFX —Hustle, bustle. People working, carrying SOMETHING HEAVY. Then, water flowing from a hose, filling in a LARGE VAT. All under FRANCIS, talking.
FRANCIS
That’s it. Steady now. I need numbers on saline levels. They’ll be here soon.
NARRATOR
The Council of Vaduz. That’s what they called it, on account of its location: Vaduz, the capital city of Liechtenstein.
FRANCIS
Are the oysters ready yet? Well put them on ice!
NARRATOR
I remember the headlines: “Mountain Meeting between Newt and Man.” And my favorite: “World Leaders Assemble to Address Newt Problem; Newts to Attend, As Well.”
FRANCIS
Herr Chancellor! Monsieur President! Welcome. How was the trip?
FRANCE GERMANY
Good. Bumpy.
FRANCIS
What’s the word on Chief Salamander?
GERMANY
Nothing since Tuesday.
FRANCE
Do you think they’ll come?
FRANCIS
We can only hope.
NARRATOR
I was as shocked as anyone when I heard Chief Salamander had agreed to the meeting in the first place – especially up in the mountains, so far from the sea. But Madame Francis Drake took great pains to prove that her intentions, while savvy, were pure.
FRANCIS (shouting upwards)
Is it full to the top yet?
SFX: Finger tapping on glass.
GERMANY
Quite the aquarium you’ve built.
FRANCIS
That’s no aquarium. It’s a trans-geological aquatic domicile—or T-GAD. A permanent vessel where newts can comfortably, peacefully live on land.
GERMANY
To do what?
FRANCIS
We have to give a little to get a little. Here let me show you…(fade as they walk around tank) this unit alone can house two hundred newts, in far more comfort than any shoreline. The glass is two inches thick, and reinforced by steel all around the base — see?
NARRATOR
Of course there had been newt tanks before, but nothing like this T-GAD. From the pictures, it looked to be the size of half a city block, and equipped with all the amenities of the modern home. It took 20 railroad tankers eight trips just to bring in enough sea water from the coast of Italy. This was truly the ultimate olive branch of human ingenuity.
SFX: A small water leakage.
FRANCE
It’s leaking.
FRANCIS
Oh Christ. Will someone fix that?
(to France, Germany)
I’ll confess this is a prototype, courtesy the Salamander Syndicate, but it’s also a symbol. Of cooperation and harmony -- will someone fix this damn leak!?
GERMANY
They’re here! Chief Salamander!
NARRATOR
I’m told, at that very moment, a bundled figure entered the room.
FRANCE
Monsieur Hello! May I take your coat?
NARRATOR
The figure was short, quiet – and they came alone.
FRANCIS
You must be quite, uh, parched from all your travel. But we’ve prepared some exciting accommodations for your visit.
SFX: Taking off robe
NARRATOR
Throughout the diplomatic overtures, the hooded figure slowly removed their traveling clothes.
FRANCIS
Let this be the day humans and newts turned the corner and--
NARRATOR
Until suddenly, a face appeared.
GERMANY
Is this some kind of joke?
FRANCE
How dare you!
FRANCIS
Where is Chief Salamander Hello?
LAWYER
Gentlemen, Gentleladies, hello! Chief Salamander sends their regards but, regretfully, they had to attend to other pressing matters.
GERMANY
But you’re—
FRANCE
You’re—
FRANCIS
Human.
LAWYER
Human, yes -- and also a lawyer. I specialize in interspecies arbitration. Shall we begin? My client Chief Salamander has asked—
FRANCE
But we were told—
GERMANY
Traitor!
FRANCIS
I built a tank!
LAWYER
Oh, I see that. How thoughtful. Would it make you feel better if I got inside? Chief Salamander has asked me to do whatever I can to help–
FRANCIS
…that won’t be necessary.
LAWYER
Wonderful. Shall we begin? Or are there others we’re waiting on – I was told this was a meeting for all nations, but I count just three of you?
FRANCIS
…I don’t follow.
LAWYER
Where is everyone else?
GERMANY
We're prepared to speak for everyone else.
FRANCE
Most are our colonies, anyway.
LAWYER
Well then let’s get right to it.
SFX: Lawyer opens briefcase, takes out papers
FRANCIS
Well, I for one, thought that—
GERMANY
I’ll start. Mister Lawyer, suppose we gave you all of England—
FRANCIS
You what?
GERMANY
--In exchange for peaceful relations between newts and Europe.
LAWYER
Intriguing! You’d have to throw in some trade, I think, but--
FRANCIS
This is NOT what we agreed to!
FRANCE
You have to give a little to get a little.
FRANCIS
Stop! Stop! We are here to discuss new advancements in trans-geological aquatic domiciles, or T-GADs.
LAWYER
With all due respect, Madame Prime Minister, we’re long past water tanks.
FRANCIS
Then take what you’ve already destroyed! China! Louisiana! Senegal!!
LAWYER
Oh yes, thank you for the reminder—Monsieur President, my client offers their sincere apologies for that terrible accident in Dakar.
FRANCE
It was a tragedy.
LAWYER
We understand you lost quite an investment there.
FRANCE
Like I said: a tragedy.
LAWYER
My client would like to help by purchasing the new Senegalese coastline as a form of remuneration.
FRANCE
So thoughtful!
LAWYER
--As well as 6,000 kilometers of Southern France, from the Gironde estuary up to--
FRANCE
What?!
LAWYER
I'm afraid my client is firm on this offer. He won't touch Senegal without France.
FRANCE
We will never sell off the homeland!
LAWYER
Mr. Chancelor, then. You’re clearly the brains of this operation.
FRANCE
Excuse moi!?
GERMANY
Ya, I’m listening.
LAWYER
Then name your price.
GERMANY
Uh… price for what?
LAWYER
All of it.
GERMANY
All of what?
LAWYER
Of Germany of course.
FRANCIS
Ha ha ha!
GERMANY
What are you laughing at?
FRANCE
Genius move, Herr Chancellor.
GERMANY
These negotiations are over.
SFX: Lawyer puts papers in briefcase, closes it with a snap.
LAWYER
Very well then. I came here with sincere intentions to negotiate, but if you’re unwilling to meet half-way then I’ll just have to tell my client--
FRANCIS
Wait! Mr. Lawyer, please. Don’t just speak for the newts. You’re human, like us. Speak for yourself! How can we save humanity?
NARRATOR
The lawyer set down his briefcase, and took off his glasses. Then he just stood there.
LAWYER
…You really want to know what I think?
FRANCIS
Yes.
NARRATOR
No one ever asked what he thought was best; only how to accomplish what they thought was best. It was a strange position to be in.
SFX: Sets briefcase down again.
The LAWYER sings, imploringly at first, then transitioning to a strangely upbeat sales pitch.
“A Solemn Plea/The Newts Are Coming”
LAWYER
I come to you now, as one of your kind,
I speak to you now, with the future in mind.
Think of our world, think of all that could be.
Think of what’s left, listen to me.
Music picks up, ragtime feel.
Act now, don’t hesitate, sell your land before it’s too late.
Act now, don’t think twice, sell your land while it’s worth full price
Better act now, there’s a deal on the table and the terms of the deal aren’t getting any better
But if you act now, we can get together save a little land before it gets wetter better
Act now, the newts are coming
Fast now, the newts are coming
Act now, the newts are coming ashore,
And they don’t care about your petty human drama no more.
Instrumental interlude, the nations barter.
LAWYER
Here is my final offer: give the newts Asia, Africa, and the Americans, and we will guarantee safety for Europe.
FRANCIS
Just the mainland? Or England, as well.
LAWYER
That’s the spirit! England, too!
FRANCE
Now we’re talking!
FRANCIS
So let’s review…
GERMANY
Asia
FRANCE
Africa
LAWYER
And all of the Americas
FRANCIS
One big salamander colony
GERMAN
But here we newts and humans live…
FRANCE
Safe in perfect harmony
FRANCE/GERMANY (in harmony)
Safe in perfect harmony
FRANCE/GERMANY/LAWYER (in harmony)
Safe in perfect harmony
FRANCE/GERMANY/LAWYER/FRANCIS (in harmony)
Human and newt in harmony
FRANCIS
…in everlasting perpetuityyyyyyyyyyy.
Music cuts out
LAWYER
Well… 'in perpetuity' is a bit on the long side - but I can do… twenty years?
DELEGATES
Whaaaaaat??
LAWYER (returning to song)
Act now, don’t think twice, it’s too late to run and too late to fight.
Better act now, don’t delay, sell your land before it washes away.
Better act now, there’s a deal on the table and the terms of the deal aren’t getting any better
But if you act now, we can get together save a little land before it gets wetter better
Act now, the newts are coming
Fast now, the newts are coming
Act now, the newts are coming ashore,
And they don’t care about your petty human drama no more.
And they don’t care about your petty human drama no more.
And they don’t care about your petty human drama no more.
The song cuts out abruptly.
LAWYER
Sorry, does it feel… wet in here?
SFX: Feet in shallow water
FRANCE
It’s the newts!
GERMANY
The floods are here!
FRANCE
You set us up!
LAWYER
No I didn’t! Truly.
FRANCE
I never learned to swim!
GERMANY
The newts tricked you. They tricked all of us!
FRANCIS
Stop! Stop it, all of you! It’s just a leak.
LAWYER
A leak?
FRANCIS
In the T-GAD!
LAWYER
The what?
FRANCIS
The trans-geological aquatic—
GERMANY
The fish tank.
FRANCE
…oh.
LAWYER
Phew. For a second I thought my client might’ve actually—I mean, where were we?
GERMANY
I can’t work under these conditions. Mein socks are dripping!
FRANCE
My feet have turned to prunes!
FRANCIS
How about a break? This meeting has been quite… revealing, but perhaps we could all do for a little rest, a warm towel, a chance to think things over.
LAWYER
I’m getting paid by the hour so that’s fine by me.
FRANCIS
All in favor?
GERMANY & FRANCE
Aye.
FRANCIS
Good. So long as we’re here, there’s hope. See you in the morning, Gentlemen.
FRANCE
OK. Bon soir
GERMANY
Very well.
LAWYER
Mhmm
SFX — Wet footsteps, walking away. Then…
NARRATOR
They never re-adjourned. I’m told excuses were made: the carpets were still drying in the morning; someone felt under the weather; someone else had to step away on urgent business. A press conference was held, assuring the world of meaningful steps and great progress. Then… the flooding continued. And it never again stopped.
MUSIC: Only Enemy You See is Me
NARRATOR
There was no dramatic last stand for humanity, just a slow and steady decline. The shorelines rose, the newts crept further inland, those that could, fled for the mountains… until the mountains became islands, and then the islands became… nothing at all. The few of us who held on took to calling the whole affair one big natural disaster — not because of the earthquakes or floods but because, in the end, there was nobody around to take the blame.
Music builds, suggesting the end of our tale, but--
FRANCIS
That’s it? That’s how you’re going to end it?
NARRATOR
Actually, I was going to sing a song.
FRANCIS
But you can’t end it like that!
NARRATOR
Why not? That’s how it happened.
FRANCIS
But what about me?
NARRATOR
You? You lost a parliamentary vote of confidence just a few days before London sank to the sea. You fought till the end, but--
FRANCIS
No. Don’t I get a say in how this ends? I don’t want to see the land where my people lived reduced to rubble beneath the waves. Can’t we end with something else? A beautiful sunset?
NARRATOR
I could play LOVERS ON PEARL ISLAND again.
FRANCIS
No, that’s pure fantasy. I want--
NARRATOR
The truth? That’s just what I’m doing.
FRANCIS
I don’t want the truth. I want my truth.
NARRATOR
That’s not what this is about.
FRANCIS
Says who? You?
NARRATOR
This is not about me.
FRANCIS
Then why should you get to decide? I sought compromise. Solutions. I gave warnings. I tried dammit. While you -- what? -- Interrupted? Opined?
NARRATOR
Look, I’m not a politician. Or a businessman. I’m just trying to understand.
FRANCIS
Understand what?
BONDY
I’ll tell you what I don’t understand.
NARRATOR
Mr. Bondy?
BONDY
I don’t understand how you could write me out of the second half of the story!
NARRATOR
You weren’t important.
BONDY
What??
NARRATOR
Well not anymore. Not after you formed the Salamander Syndicate.
BONDY
Yes I am! Of course I am. I-- what did I do after that?
NARRATOR
You made a lot of money.
BONDY
Yeah sure. And?
NARRATOR
You died. Took your own life just before the water reached your mountain villa. I think.
BONDY
You think?
NARRATOR
I wasn’t there.
BONDY
But you’re my doorman.
NARRATORI quit.
BONDY
No, I must’ve fired you.
NARRATOR
I quit, Mr. Bondy, after you refused to give me a raise. After all I did for you. After I-- forget it.
FRANCIS
After you opened the door.
NARRATOR
How do you know that? But no, this isn’t about me.
BONDY
Of course it is.
NARRATOR
You killed a man!
FRANCIS
But you opened the door.
BONDY
And you were so proud of it.
FRANCIS
You collected news clippings, memorabilia. You turned your home into an amateur museum.
BONDY
You talked about my newts as though they were yours.
NARRATOR
They were Ours.
BONDY
No wonder I fired you.
NARRATOR
I quit.
FRANCIS
You moved back to Czechoslovakia. You took up fishing.
NARRATOR
Stop.
FRANCIS
You told no one about your old life. You lived in your little landlocked country and yet, every day, you went fishing in the Vltava River.
NARRATOR
Stop!
BONDY
And one day, as news reached Prague that the Newts had taken Drezden, you got a firm tug on your line.
FRANCIS
You pulled and pulled, until up came: a newt!
BONDY
It looked you straight in the eyes. It held out its paw. It showed you a pearl.
FRANCIS
Wait, really? No, that’s overwrought. Too writerly.
BONDY
You imagined it showed you a pearl. And you ran.
NARRATOR
...how do you know all this?
FRANCIS
Because we’re you.
BONDY
We’re all just you.
NARRATOR
You are?
NARRATOR
Yes
Pause
NARRATOR
I don’t like this ending.
NARRATOR
Then keep going.
NARRATOR
What comes next?
NARRATOR
There is no next. Just more newts.
NARRATOR
But what if there’s too many newts?
NARRATOR
Maybe, someday there will be so many newts that they start to... fracture. Right?
NARRATOR
Because Chief Salamander Hello is in the Atlantic, but maybe--
NARRATOR
Oh! Maybe another tribe emerges!
NARRATOR
In the Pacific! A King Triton.
NARRATOR
He could come from Devil’s Bay and claim rightful rule and global supremacy. Like a Ghengis Khan of the newts.
NARRATOR
And the two will fight over shoreline and territory and resources.
NARRATOR
And then Chief Salamander Hello dies.
NARRATOR
It's sudden. Unexpected.
NARRATOR
His underlings squabble over succession. And that's when the King Triton STRIKES!
NARRATOR
But Hello and his followers, they're more advanced.
NARRATOR
They have all the technology!
NARRATOR
And one of them unleashes poisonous chemicals into the Pacific.
NARRATOR
But water is water and it starts to spread.
NARRATOR
All the oceans get infected.
NARRATOR
Newts are dropping left and right.
NARRATOR
Mass extinction!
NARRATOR
But we're still here.
NARRATOR
I'm still here.
Pause
NARRATOR
Humans fighting humans, humans fighting newts, newts fighting newts. Maybe it ends there. If we’re lucky.
NARRATOR
And then? What happens then?
NARRATOR
I… uh… maybe I should just sing that song.
NARRATOR
Okay.
NARRATOR
Okay.
NARRATOR
It is a nice ending.
“Only Enemy You See is Me”
NARRATOR
All the cliffs of Dover falling over to the sea
Colonies and elevators rise from the debris.
Fall into the sea, the only enemy you’ll see is me.
We fled up to the mountains, but we’re only losing ground.
There’s no room to bargain, but we’ll try another round.
Only losing ground, the only enemy you’ve found is here.
Someday we’ll all go back to the water -- the water
Some we’ll all go back to the sea -- you and me
Living life, sleepin’ on the bottom -- the bottom
But I can guarantee, it won’t go differently.
The only enemy you see is me.
Nails grows back and tails grow back, your second chance is free,
Someday when it’s over we’ll all rise out of the sea.
The second chance is free, the only enemy you see is me.
Someday we’ll all go back to the forest -- the forest
Someday we’ll all go back to the trees -- you and me
Living life, just like we’re supposed to -- supposed to
But I can guarantee, it won’t go differently.
The only enemy you see is me.
SFX: Footsteps. Wet. Then — GASP!
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 6 featured…
Rachael Grace Holmes as Prime Minister Francis Drake, who, gosh, has taught me so much over eight years we’ve worked together. Catch her on Elementary, in Marvel’s Wolverine podcast, and wherever else she goes next. The incredible Ahmed Gallab played Chief Salamander Hello, and is the frontman for Sinkane, an amazing band that’s got a live album coming out this summer – and the incomparable Mo Rocca joined us at the end as our devilish Human Lawyer. Have you checked out Mo’s latest podcast and book, Mobituaries? You should! It’s heartfelt, hilarious, and all about dead people which, maybe you’re in the mood for after finishing our show.
Additional roles were performed by Joseph Medeiros, Avery Nelson, Clay Westman, Dominic Cuskern, Neil Tyrone Pritchard, Sarah Naughton, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Jon-Michael Reese, Cathryn Wake, Aurora Zhang, Mei Lei, and Kelsey Tyssowski. Listen, you’ve heard some of these names as many as six times now – they are such incredible performers and humans — they’re on the news, in video games, on stage, narrating audio books, working in medical research facilities! I strongly encourage you to look them up and follow their work.
Finally, there’s Lindsay Nicole Chambers, our one and only, ride or die, trusty narrator, who deserves a second shout out here at the end. Lindsay, you joined this show before it was even… a show, and you brought so much heart to each and every episode. We love you, we thank you, and we apologize for how many hours we made you record inside that hot, tiny closet. You can come out now. Seriously.
This entire show’s musical score was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums, Bruce Bears on piano, Jesse Williams on bass, and Daniel Plimpton on tap shoes. And of course, Sid Iyer, Lenny Fiannaca, Robbie Veglahn, Sam Lapine, Varun Sasisekharan and Thomas Gatzke of the Tufts Beelzebubs laid down those sweet, sweet vocal harmonies till the very end.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and to all of you, you trusty T-GADS, for tuning in, for telling your friends, for your reviews and feedback, and for giving this project the audience it so sincerely and desperately hoped for. From the bottom of our soggy little hearts, thank you.
Okay! This is the end. Really. But if you’re still listening, can I ask one last favor of you? Go buy a book by Karel Capek. I think you’ll be glad you did. Here’s the rain, here’s the rust, and here’s to the best of us. Bye for now.