Ep 4. Channel Surfing
SAM
Hey, it’s Sam.. So, if you read War with the Newts, you’ll see it’s divided into two halves. The first focuses on contact – human meets newt – and the second, as you might expect, is all about conflict – we’ll get there, but not yet. Because between these two sections, Čapek inserted a short interlude documenting a world in transition—and it gets weird. There’s footnotes inside footnotes, fake quotes from real celebrities, news clippings in different languages, mostly untranslated, and a whole extra chapter – maybe, more like an addendum, really – all about Newt Mating Rituals. This episode is inspired by those in-between sections, the point in our story when fiction becomes too strange to be treated like anything other than reality.
SFX: Lecture Hall door opens.
SAM
Episode 4: Channel Surfing
SFX: Audience quiets. Footsteps. Adjust microphone or lectern…
HOST
For today’s symposium, we’re joined by HM Bolte, distinguished professor of marine biology from Texas A&M University, who pioneered the study of amphibious reproductive organs, with a particular emphasis on the horned toad. He’ll be speaking today on his present research with the Andreas Scheuzeri. Please welcome, Professor Bolte.
SFX: Tepid applause. Adjusting papers.
HM BOLTE
Thank you, Jason, and thanks also for electing not to recount our little escapade on the island of Tonga (laugh). The title of today’s presentation is: “Amphibian ova transmission to the Ostium by the Ciliary Movement of Coelomic Epithelial Cells.” Or as my graduate students like to say, ‘The Sex Life of Newts.” First Slide, please. And could I get a glass of water? Thank you.
“The Sex Life of Newts”
(sensual spoken word, with a chorus of back-up singers)
HM BOLTE
Every year, in early April, under a full moon, male newts get the urge. (That’s right)
They gather on shore and dance and writhe with reckless abandon.
CHORUS
Dancing and writhing, dancing and writhing, mating season is just arriving...
HM BOLTE
Then they charge back into the ocean to search for that special someone.
There she is! Look at her, just doing her own thing. I bet I know what she wants.
She wants some fella she’s never met to come over and put his mouth on her snout.
CHORUS
Mouth on her snout, mouth on her snout, gonna find out what it’s all about...
HM BOLTE
Success. Next slide please. Thank you. Now the male newt alternates between three fundamentally sexy states…
State one: absolutely motionless and remarkably stiff.
State two: chaotic shaking, striking his partner with his flank.
State three: Oh yeah. The final state: You know what I’m talking about, it’s that big, unexpected, flaccid pause. That’s right - limp as a noodle - maybe you should get a snack. Things are gonna be like this for a while, so...
CHORUS
Come on fellas, don’t miss your chance, it’s time for the Salamander Dance!
HM BOLTE
Next slide. Suddenly, without warning, the male undergoes a series of cramps and convulsions.
He releases copious quantities of foam—yes?
QUESTION 1:
How would you describe the viscosity of the ejaculate?
HM BOLTE
I would say it’s a somewhat sticky sperm.
CHORUS
Cramps and convulsions, cramps and convulsions. Sticky sticky sperm all over the ocean
HM BOLTE
Finally, it’s time for the lady newt to get to work – after her partner falls asleep.
She twists and turns, vigorously arching her body
Then expels a gelatinous sack of eighty eggs on average.
CHORUS
Arching her body, arching her body, laying those eggs and lookin’ kind of naughty
HM BOLTE
Now, uh, you may have observed that there was in fact no form of direct intercourse here. It’s a curious phenomenon, one that has led to several hypotheses:
Hypothesis one: Perhaps the erotic passion, the possessive monogamy, the slow and cumbersome act of intercourse -
Hypothesis two: might this all be solely for the male's benefit?
Hypothesis three: Maybe she just tolerates it to help him with his confidence and performance. I mean, it’s fundamentally inessential for reproduction. You saw it yourself! She doesn’t even touch his sperm. It’s like she doesn’t need him at all, you know…?
CHORUS
Come on ladies, don’t miss your chance, it’s time for the Salamander Dance!
HM BOLTE
Would still love that water, if it’s available. Thank you.
Excuse me, where was I? Right! Next slide. Thank you, In the weeks following, tiny, agile tadpoles emerge from their mysterious eggs. By next Spring, they’ll be fully mature adults, ready to join their ever-expanding family in another round spirited, abundant mating. Sex…
CHORUS
Come on children, don’t miss your chance, it’s time for the Salamander Dance!
Dancing and writhing, dancing and writhing, mating season is just arriving
It’s time for the Salamander Dance!
Dancing and writhing, dancing and writhing, mating season is just arriving
It’s time for the Salamander Dance!
Scene fades out under music
HM BOLTE
Yes. Question?
HOST
Could you speak to the methodology you employed in these observations. Was there direct stimulation or—
HM BOLTE
Well, we learned the hard way that it’s impossible to observe from a distance. So we pioneered a new form of participant observation we call Psychosomatic Salamander Stimulation. Uh, yes?
QUESTION 1
Well, more of a comment than a question, but the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle would suggest that your very presence may have altered the newts’ behavior.
HM BOLTE
Let me stop you right there. If you mean the observer effect, then let me assure you, the newt share’s none of our human embarrassment around the act of mating. In fact, it was quite… inspiring.
HOST
That’s all the time we have, but I’m sure Dr. Bolte will be delighted to discuss his findings at our departmental mixer this evening. Thank you all.
Long fade
NARRATOR
In another universe, the global economic depression that began in 1929 could have dragged on for years. There might be breadlines and bank collapses, farmers abandoning their fields, only to find themselves living in shantytowns. But we were saved from that fate by the greatest cultural, material and intellectual revolution the world has ever known.
SFX: Radio tuning
NEWS (US)
It’s 9:15 in the morning, and now the news. Newt population continues to grow worldwide. Currently standing at an estimated 512,000, occupying roughly 9% of all habitable coastal areas in the Western Hemisphere. (fade under) When reached for comment, the head of the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey insisted that the region’s entire waterfront infrastructure would require significant investment in order to accommodate amphibious usage. This includes installing additional underwater lanes on the newly completed George Washington Bridge, and conducting a newt-impact study on the proposed Lincoln Tunnel Project.
NARRATOR
I mean, think about it: one newt, eighty eggs. Eighty newts, six thousand four hundred eggs. Six thousand four hundred newts, and pretty soon you start to forget: what was life even like without newts?
SFX: Station cuts out, tuning dial
NARRATOR (feeling pride in the moment)
It felt like the end of all wanting, of all lacking. The end of ever being alone.
SFX: Tuning, starting to hear distinct channels
NARRATOR
And you know what, I remember I was so proud of the small part I had played in creating this new world. Of course, I didn’t know any better.
NEWS (UK 1)
There are reports this morning of Japanese newt colonies on uninhabited islands in the East China Sea. (fade under) This raises the possibility of interference with trade in Shanghai, and potentially even Hong Kong, as the waterways of the Pacific become increasingly crowded with amphibious populations and their human custodians.
NARRATOR
I started clipping out newspaper articles -- about the first talking newt, and the incorporation of Mr. Bondy’s new ‘Salamander Syndicate.’
NEWS (US)
Since first going public early last year on the Amsterdam Exchange, stock prices for the new Salamander Syndicate have risen at a historic rate.
SFX: Tuning
NARRATOR
I collected film reels and phonograph records – programs, pamphlets – anything I could get my hands on that made me think: this, yes this, is all because of me.
SFX: Tuning
CHANNEL 1: “The Salamander Dance”
AMERICAN HOST
Parents look away as we sashay to Tommy and the Tritons with their “Salamander Dance!”
Instrumental music starts
NARRATOR
I’ve been trying to assemble all these pieces into some kind of order: cause and effect, supply and demand, action and reaction.
Music post
NARRATOR
But it was just everything, all at once.
SFX: Tuning and static, alternating between the channels. A long slow staticy drone builds as the cacophony of channels gets faster, more intense.
CHANNEL 1: “The Salamander Dance”
Come on children don’t miss your chance, it’s time for the salamander dance!
Come on children don’t miss your chance, it’s time for the salamander dance!
CHANNEL 2: “S-Trade”
HOST
FINANCE! I’m talking Finance, people, these markets won’t stop, can’t stop, they just keep growing. Newt food stocks - BUY! Newt construction stocks - BUY! … The only bad time to buy a newt is tomorrow - because it’ll cost more than it does today!
CHANNEL 3: “Science Show.”
DAVID SANDERSON
Today on the Science Hour with David Sanderson.
Music starts, classical
DAVID SANDERSON
I’m David Sanderson, here at the Berlin Salamander Lab, where scientists are making exciting breakthroughs in newts physiology:
HANS THURING
If you cut off a newt's tail, it will grow back in a week.
If you cut off a newt's leg, it will grow back in a month.
If you cut off a newt's head, it's dead.
CHANNEL 4: “Sportscast”
PLAY BY PLAY
Dead on arrival. Oh the Newt goalie had no trouble fending off that shot from the wings as the Spaniards regroup.
COLOR COMMENTARY (fade under NARRATOR)
The center’s been commanding that two meter position there – he’s been dominating it all night and that’s why the Montenegrans have been able to come after this early lead.
NARRATION
Ah, the 1936 Olympics. Everyone was betting against the newts from Montenegro, which was ridiculous to me — I mean, it’s water polo.
COLOR COMMENTARY
With just three minutes left in the game, you’ve got to imagine Spain is rethinking their decision to field an all human squad.
PLAY BY PLAY
Yes, meanwhile Montenegro has opted for an all-newt team and it’s clearly paying off.
SFX: Cash register cha-ching, buzzers, etc
CHANNEL 2: “S-Trade”
HOST
I’m telling you, I just bought my third house. It has four bathrooms! All. Paid. For. By. NEWTS.
NEWS (US)
They’re calling it the West Coast Waterfront Strike. In a first, newt dock workers in the port of San Francisco have waddled off the job, calling for full human wages.
CHANNEL 5: “Call-in Show”
CALLER
I’ve been calling and calling, but he just won’t answer.
HOST
Honey you’re getting entirely too hung on this one salamander. If you’re into that kind of thing there’s a lot of newts in the sea!
NARRATOR
Oh you poor soul
NEWS (UK)
And in other news, newt population worldwide has reached an estimated 4 million, occupying 26% of all habitable coastal areas, though some marine biologists dispute that number, claiming it should be much higher. Joining me now is Prof. HM Bolte–
SFX: static builds, Andy Theme Song
CHANNEL 6: “The Andy Show.”
Hey Andy! Come out to play!
Andy is a newt and he lives deep down below
With scuba diving Danny, and a cuttlefish named Joe,
Andy’s full of trouble, Danny’s blowing bubbles,
Joey wants to cuddle, This is the Andy Show.
NARRATOR sings along, nostalgic and excited to hear it again
Tonight’s episode: All That And A Lobster Trap!
CHANNEL 3: “Science Show.”
DAVID SANDERSON
Trapped on land, the newt body dehydrates within three hours. This poses obvious challenges for newt employment, however, researchers at Oxford University are hard at work on a solution: T-GADS—
CHANNEL 6: “The Andy Show.”
ANDY
Egads, Danny, what’d you say?
Blub blub blub blub
Joey got caught in a lobster trap!?
Blub blub blub!!
And there’s PEARLS to be found!? What are we waiting for?
SFX: Protesters in background
CHANNEL 7: “Decency Campaign”
REPORTER
“I’m on the steps of the Chicago federal courthouse, where earlier today a judge ruled that existing obscenity laws will now apply to newts.
NARRATOR
Ahh, I totally forgot about this case.
REPORTER
The judge noted that since the newts are sentient and rational beings, we must consider the quote “corrupting influence of newt nudity,” regardless of the work’s artistic merit.”
CHANNEL 10: “Religious Rock”
I heard of a place,
That’s filled with water - and hope
Where newt and man, can stand, paw and hand
NARRATOR
I did not need to hear that again.
SFX: Tuning
CHANNEL 1: “Salamander Dance”
TOMMY TRITON
Shake that fin! Wave that tail!
Go for a swim!
Look out for the whale!
CHANNEL 8: “New Voices in Opera”
Il trioneeeeee!!!
NEWS BROADCAST (US)
New data is out this morning with the latest measures placing newt population at 63 million. Low lying coastal areas are reaching their maximum capacity, (fade) prompting world leaders to consider new alternatives for newt habitat.
CHANNEL 4: “Sportscast”
PLAY BY PLAY
Ten seconds remaining in the game, eight seconds, seven. Spain is on the counterattack, but the newts from Montenegro are ready.
COLOR COMMENTARY
Five, four, Spain moves in, three, the shot, two, it’s off the crossbar!!
NEWS BULLETIN (Japanese)
Newt population has reached a new milestone: 100 million
ニュートの数は１億匹に達しました。
NEWS (US)
Newt population has soared in recent weeks, reaching 100 million worldwide.
NEWS (UK 1)
Newt population is now approaching: 300 million worldwide
NEWS BULLETIN (Australian)
Newt population is now more than 500 million, greater than the entire population of China.
SFX: Whistle
CHANNEL 4: “Sportscast”
PLAY BY PLAY
And that’s the game!
COLOR COMMENTARY
The newt team from Montenegro wins it all! Beating humans at their own game. Unbelievable.
CHANNEL 1: “The Salamander Dance”
Do the SAA--LAA--MAAAAANDER DAAAAA--NCE
A final cacophony of all the channels
CHANNEL 2: S-Trade
S-TRADE HOST
How many times do I have to tell you? People are getting rich right now. And you can, too!
CHANNEL 3: Science Show
DAVID SANDERSON
I’m David Sanderson.
CHANNEL 5: Call in Show
CALLER
But there’s only one newt for me.
CALL-IN HOST
Honey, I hear you but– what’s that? What put him through!
NEWT CALLER
Cindy?
CALLER
Neil? Is that really you?
NEWT CALLER
Hello, Cindy!
CALLER
You’ve got some nerve, buster. You think you can call me—over the radio no less—and I’ll just—
NEWT CALLER
I miss you, Cindy.
CALLER
You do?? Oh Neil.
CHANNEL 7: Decency Campaign
REPORTER
“The ruling represents a major victory of moral reformers. It also represents a stunning new precedent in interspecies litigation, being the first time that newts have been granted standing in a human court of law. Back to you.”
SFX: A turn of the dial, everything cuts out.
NARRATOR
Now...now it doesn’t matter if I’m proud. It doesn’t matter what I did or what I saw, all that matters is that the story gets told.
MID-ROLL
NARRATOR
So then, on with the story
SFX: Salamander Dance,” now a little distant and placed in a physical space, a living room.
RICHARD Hums along to the “Salamander Dance”
SFX: Changes station to “The Andy Show” as Richard’s wife, Francis, hurries into the room.
FRANCIS
Richard, have you seen this report?
RICHARD
I get a number of reports, love, I’m practically drowning in them. Whatever it is I’m sure--
Richard starts laughing, hooting and hollering over some joke from The Andy Show.
FRANCIS
Richard, this is important.
RICHARD
It’s late, love. Even the Prime Minister can enjoy his shows in peace.
TV show post fades under
NARRATOR
Imagine you’re the leader of a nation, elected on a platform of fiscal responsibility, when, only months into your term, the world is introduced to the newts. You’ve never thought about amphibians once in your life, but suddenly, it’s up to you to guide your people—and your newts—into this totally uncharted future. Okay, now imagine you’re married to that leader. What would you do?
FRANCIS: Exasperated sigh
NARRATOR
This is Mrs. Francis Drake, wife of the current British Prime minister, who – whether she likes it or not – will be quite important for what happens next.
FRANCIS
Now listen here.
Francis turns off the Radio.
RICHARD
Francis! What in the world has gotten into you?
FRANCIS
It’s the Newts, Richard, they’re--
RICHARD
That reminds me— Pondsworth!
SFX: Hurried, wet footsteps.
PONDSWORTH
Sir?
RICHARD
Where’s that brandy I asked for?
PONDSWORTH
Apologies sir. We seem to be out. Would champagne do?
RICHARD
Yes I suppose so. Oh, Mr. Pondsworth, did you catch the latest Andy Show? It’s simply too much!
Richard turns the radio back on and near-immediately doubles over laughing.
NARRATOR
At this point, the newts are no longer just a curiosity, or something you hear about on the news. They are inescapable, and yet somehow the reality of that hasn’t quite settled in – that we are now sharing our planet with another highly intelligent species.
PONDSWORTH
It’s very funny, Prime Minister.
NARRATOR
A species that can do everything we can do, and sometimes do it better.
FRANICS
WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU OAFISH BUFFOON!!
Richard turns the radio off.
RICHARD
Pondsworth, about that champagne…
PONDSWORTH
Certainly, sir.
Wet footsteps, exiting.
RICHARD
Not in front of the newt, darling.
FRANCIS
Oh so now you’re worried about the newts.
RICHARD
What has gotten into you?
FRANCIS
Just look at this report.
RICHARD
Fine.
SFX: Papers handed over, shuffling through…
RICHARD
Everything seems to be in order.
FRANCIS
In order? Since when did the British Navy take an interest in arming newts with torpedoes??
RICHARD
It’s just a little target practice, darling. An aptitude test.
FRANCIS
They’re newts, Richard.
RICHARD
Newts who read and write, who tell jokes and fetch me my nightcap. May as well see if they can fire a gun.
Francis sighs, exasperated.
RICHARD
Honestly, Francis, you’re sounding a bit, well… small-minded. I mean the American courts have all but granted full legal rights to their newts. I see no reason why –
FRANCIS
I have no issue with the newts, Richard -- my issue is with you! You foresee no consequences for teaching a newt how to engage in lethal marksmanship??
RICHARD
Well, that’s not fair.
FRANCIS
You’re an idiot. You can enjoy your shows from the sofa tonight.
RICHARD
Darling, if anything we’re late to the party!
She stops.
FRANCIS
What?
RICHARD
You know I’d catch hell if word got out about this -- shouldn’t even be letting you read my reports -- but the French have been trying to build a water-proof rifle for months; the eye-talians have a working prototype for an aquatic gatling gun, customize-sized for little newt paws. And don’t get me started on the Krauts -- hoh boy.
FRANCIS
...I don’t even know where to begin.
RICHARD
‘I’m sorry’ is a nice start. Perhaps a ‘thank you for keeping Queen and Country safe.’ Or better yet: ‘Come to bed, darling?’
FRANCIS
Good night, Richard.
RICHARD
That’s more like it…
The bedroom door SLAMS shut -- leaving Richard in the living room.
RICHARD
Francis? Francis?? Unbelievable… Telling me how to run my country… Mr. Pondsworth! I’ll take that champagne now – and fetch some biscuits, while you’re at it.
He returns to his shows. Something hilarious and dumb on the radio happens, more laughs, but suddenly--
NARRATOR
God he really sucks, doesn’t he. Though, I should level with you — I had champagne that night, too. The Salamander Syndicate just hit 1 billion guilders in revenue, and Mr. Bondy brought out the good stuff.
SFX: A phone rings.
NARRATOR
But the party was already over — we just didn't realize it.
SFX: Phone keeps ringing.
RICHARD
For christ’s sake -- Hello? Wait, slow down… dear God! Are the casualties?
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 4 featured…
Glynn Washington, taking a break from his most-excellent show Snap Judgment to teach us all a bit about Newt Mating Rituals – thank you, Glynn – and Michael Cumpsty, who played Prime Minister Richard Drake and who is just delightfully foreboding whenever he shows up in the TV show Severance, which I highly recommend.
Additional roles were performed by… ho-boy: Jonathan Mitchell, Sarah Naughton, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Cathryn Wake, Marco Werman, Crystal Genesis, Adam Monahan, Dominic Cuskern, Avery Nelson, Avery Trufelman, Jon-Michael Reese, Laura Sydell, Marshall Pailet, Marito Hayashi, Nathan Barnett, and Panji Wilimantara — with a bit of me and Ian thrown in, free of charge — and, of course, Lindsay Nicole Chambers, as our trusty narrator.
The music was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums, Andy Fogliano and sax and flute, and Sid Iyer, Lenny Fiannaca, Robbie Veglahn, Sam Lapine, and Thomas Gatzke of the Tufts Beelzebubs singing all over the place.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and all of you, you salamander dancers, for tuning in.
Newts will return in Episode 5: THE DAY THE EARTH SHOOK, AGAIN. See you then.
And now, here is Beneath the Ocean by The Vodnik, in it’s entirety. ..
“Beneath The Ocean”
(If Scott Stapp met the Newts)
SINGER
I heard of a place that’s filled with water, and hope,
Where newt and man can stand paw in hand, hand in paw,
Beneath the ocean, there’s a light for you and me,
Just dive right in and you will see,
Beneath the ocean...
I dream of a day when I will wake up, below,
And when I do I will know that there’s a plan for newt and man
That there’s a plan for newt and man
Beneath the ocean, there’s a light for you and me,
Just dive right in and you will see,
Beneath the ocean...
There’s a plan, for newt and man
Beneath the ocean...