Ep 2. Lovers On Pearl Island
SAM
Hey there – figured I should introduce myself. I’m Sam, one of the creators of the show – and a big fan of Karel Capek. I didn’t know much about Capek until I lived in Prague, where he’s a literary icon – and not just for his fiction. Like a lot of prolific writers, Capek got his start in journalism, at a national Czech newspaper. This was back in 1917; he covered the end of the first World War, the fall of the Austro-Hungarian empire, Czechoslovakian independence and the founding of a new republic. In his columns, Capek honed a perspective that he carried into his fiction: that life was too complicated, too intertwined, for any one hero or villain. That the tiniest choice could ripple out across the world.
MUSIC: Best of Us
SAM
“Episode 2: Lovers on Pearl Island”
WHISPER 1
The man must be mad, lugging a barrel around, talking of lizards
WHISPER 2
But have you actually seen the thing?
WHISPER 3
I swear it popped its head out, looked me straight in the eye and smiled. Never seen anything like it.
SFX: Captain Van Toch snivelling. Splashes! Croaks!
MUSIC: Theme / Best of Us
NARRATOR
I can only imagine how Captain Van Toch must have felt. For once in his wretched life he tried to do the right thing, to look out for the little guy, only to find himself rejected, mocked, and dismissed.
WHISPER 1
It’s a monstrosity, whatever it is. The old captain has sold his soul to a slimy pack of devils.
WHISPER 2
Better pray for the man, only the lord can save him now
WHISPER 3
Only the lord indeed…
MUSIC: Out
NARRATOR
It’s hard to say if those prayers were made, and then even if they were, I doubt they were heard. God has no hand in this story, at least as far as I can tell.
SFX: Whispers fade. Van Toch is at the water’s edge; he opens the barrel and Toby coos at him.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m sorry, Toby. We tried. This world… it just ain’t ready for you.
SFX: Tips barrel, water pours out
NARRATOR
I picture him dumping the barrel over the edge of the pier, and looking down at his beloved newt Toby, floating in the harbor. Then the captain gets down on his knees.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I ain’t giving up, but you gotta keep going, ya hear!
NARRATOR
He puts his face to the water.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Sniffle. Oh, stop looking at me like that!
NARRATOR
And he sings a song more tender than anything before sung between human and newt.
“See a Little Me in You”
(A tender ballad)
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (sung)
My child, my truth
My pride, my proof
I can see a little me in you
See a little me in you...
My dream come true
My confidence come through
I can see a little me in you
I see a little me in you.
I see a little --
Why don’t you say something?
Why don’t you say something?
SFX: Splashing water, Van Toch nuzzles Toby, fade.
Instrumental interlude, change in tone
NARRATOR
My boss, the legendary shipping magnate Mr. Bondy, stayed late in his office that night, and I had no choice but to stay there with him. But he didn’t work, and he took no visitors. He just sat at his desk with that handful of pearls the captain had left, slowly rolling each bead between his fingers.
BONDY (sung)
My find, my fruit
My prize, my loot
I can see a little chance in you
I see a little chance in you.
My dreams come true
And a tidy profit too
I can see a little chance in you
I see a little chance in you.
I see a little -- (music pauses, last note hangs in the air)
BONDY
I’ll be going out now. Good night!
DOORMAN
Yes sir...oh wait, you forgot your --
SFX: Door slam. Footsteps on cobblestones, growing quicker
VAN TOCH
Why don’t you say something
Why don’t you say something...
CHORUS
Something about progress,
Something that says you’re gonna be part of us
Why don’t you say something about science,
Something that says you’re meant to be part of us
Why don’t you say something about Moses,
Something that says you’ve always been part of us
Why don’t you say something about kindness
Something that says you’re better than all of us...
Better than all of us…
Better than all of us...
VAN TOCH & BONDY
My charge, my true (VAN TOCH)
My chance, my tool (BONDY)
I can see a little me in you (VAN TOCH)
I see a little chance in you (BONDY)
My dream come true (VAN TOCH)
My confidence come through (BONDY)
I can see a little me in you
I see a little me in you.
I see a little me in you
I see a little me in you.
I see a little --
VAN TOCH (startled)
Mister Bondy, I didn’t see you there
SFX: Toby is afraid, dives under the water
BONDY
You say your newts found these pearls?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Well sure, every one of ‘em. But there ain’t no more in Devils Bay, like I said my boys gobbled ‘em all up and now their starving out there all alone and--
BONDY (cuts him off)
But there are pearls on other islands…?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
They sure are, Mister Bondy! Ah hell, does this mean you’re--?
BONDY (cuts him off)
I can spare two ships. The newts are all yours, but every pearl comes straight to me. And not a word of this to anyone. We can’t patent a newt, so if your boys are half as good as you claim, we’ve got to keep them a secret from the competition. Is that clear?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Oh it sure is, sir! It’ll be our little secret. Toby, d’you hear that!? Everyone’s gonna be alright!
SFX: quiet, just water against the doc
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Toby? You there? (continues calling for Toby as attention shifts to Bondy)
SFX: Doorman runs up, panting
DOORMAN
Sir, you forgot your coat.
BONDY
Ah! Perfect timing, we’ll need to draft a contract
DOORMAN
Ah, yes sir
SFX: Scribbling notes
BONDY
We’ll need to assemble a crew as well.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Toby! Here boy!
DOORMAN
Of course, sir
BONDY
...provisions for six months at sea.
DOORMAN
Got it.
BONDY
And call my pearl distributor.
DOORMAN
Certainly.
BONDY
Van Toch, what were you saying about a water tank?
VAN TOCH
Where’d you go, buddy? Ain’t ya gonna celebrate?
BONDY
Captain, are you listening?
VAN TOCH
Oh! Of course, sir. It’s just, I thought Toby might wanna--
BONDY
Business waits for no one, Captain! Come along -- you can bring him caviar when you return.
SFX: Bondy walks off
NARRATOR
I finished my notes, and began to follow Mr. Bondy. But Van Toch lingered for just a second more, looking down in the water. Then he followed us away from the dock.
VAN TOCH
Toby, I’ll be back real soon, promise…
NARRATOR
Two years later.
SFX: Drum roll, a la the opening to The Muppet Show. Transition to red carpet of movie premiere…
ARTY LAMONT
Coming to you live from Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood, California... It’s Star Watch, a radio production of Loeb Productions, bringing the red carpet into your very living room through the power of broadcasting— and what a treat we have for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen: the world premiere of LOVERS ON PEARL ISLAND. I’m outside the theater surrounded by adoring fans, breathlessly awaiting the arrival of our leading lady.
SFX: Crowd cheering. A car pulling up.
ARTY LAMONT
Would you look at that! A woman who never misses her cue, here she is: Miss Lilly Valley!
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Good evening! Good evening! It’s so wonderful to see you.
ARTY LAMONT
Luminous, iridescent, always a woman of the people, Miss Valley waves to her adoring fans. She’s blowing kisses! One, two— fellas, imagine being on the opposite end of one of those, why I’d— Uh oh, here come the reporters.
REPORTER 1
Miss Lilly! Miss Lilly What was it like co-authoring a movie script?
REPORTER 2
What about reports of you and Fred Manning? Romance on the high seas?
REPORTER 3
Miss Lilly! Is it true you met a real newt?
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Patience, boys. Answering you now — well that’d spoil all the fun.
REPORTER 3
But it’d sure help us make the papers, Miss.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Come on inside, fellas. I think you’ll find plenty to write about…
SFX: Audience cheering, scene transitions inside under narration, scene transitions inside under narration
NARRATOR
Here our story takes a bit of a turn. You see, a lot can happen in two years without people noticing — especially with the right business plan. When Van Toch returned to Devil’s Bay, he quickly got to work ferrying newts to secluded sand bars and abandoned coves across the East Indies. For two years, his beloved creatures slurped oysters and farmed pearls. Business was booming and no one knew where the pearls came from. But what Bondy and the captain didn’t realize, is that one of those abandoned coves brimming with oysters also happened to be the private getaway of a certain fabulously wealthy movie producer...
SFX: Clapping dies down, music stops
MISS LILLY VALLEY
There I was, sunbathing on a remote private island in the East Indies — oh, try to picture it: soft sand, a cool breeze, the hot, oppressive sun, and me, all alone — well, my boyfriend was there, too. You see, he's a movie producer — well, his father is, that’s the reason we were there — hi Mr. Loeb! — but I needed space... I needed to be alone…
NARRATOR
Lilly Valley was already well known to the public from her leading roles in early horror films like Mother of Dracula and Mystery of the Phantom Convent, but what she encountered on that sandy beach would define her legacy forever.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
I went to the water's edge, where, suddenly, I was surrounded! Surrounded by the most horrid, magnificent creatures. They were newts, and they brought with them oysters. And pearls! So many pearls. And they threw them all at my feet and cried out "Nyfe!' 'Nyfe!' I always knew I was special, that's why I'm an actress, but for a moment, I thought I'd leave the motion picture industry and become their Queen. Then I had an even better idea - why not turn it all into a movie! Ladies and gentlemen, inspired by true events from my life, I give you: LOVERS ON PEARL ISLAND.
SFX: Old Hollywood Fanfare, giving way to idyllic waves crashing, seagulls chirping…
ABE
Come out of the sun and kiss me, darling.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Oh Abe, you’re incorrigible.
ABE
And you’re a dream come true.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
I’m just a simple island girl.
ABE
Not anymore. Come along now — the plane is waiting. I can’t wait to introduce you to Mother and Father on the farm back in Arkansas.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Arkansas…
ABE
Darling, will you marry me? I know it’s only been weeks, but what is time when you’re in love?
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Love…
ABE
Well? Ain’t you gonna say something?
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Abe. I… I have to go.
ABE
Wait! Where are you—
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Don’t follow me!
ABE
Darling!!
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Abe’s a swell guy and all, but marriage, and Arkansas, and love… Sweet ocean waves, don’t you ever feel like life has more in store for you? ...Oh look at me: a silly island girl talking to the ocean. At least I can have one more swim before Arkansas.
SFX: Newt sounds.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
What was that? Who goes there?
NEWT 1
My queen! I have found you at last!
NEWT 2
King Triton awaits us, hurry!
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Oh no, sweet creature, I’ll drown beneath the waves. Really, I—
NARRATOR
Before she can protest, our leading lady is swept into the waves and ushered down to a coral reef, where she beholds the leader of all newts, King Triton.
LILLY VALLEY
Spare me your Royal Highness.
KING TRITON
Fear not, fair creature. For you are my beloved. My one true love.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Love…? But I’m just a simple island girl. And you’re a— Oh but, it’s all so, so...
KING TRITON
Stay with me and live beneath the water.
You will be my Queen and I your lover.
You can breathe from the breath of my lips.
Drink of my water-y kiss.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Triton King, you must forgive
This aching heart’s not mine to give.
Someone waits for me above.
But which is my true love??
Instrumental break.
NARRATOR (starting to get excited)
At this point in the film there’s a remarkable dance number — 300 extras in rubber Newt suits — as well as an award-winning synchronized swimming team from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina — all surrounding the anointed couple in their underwater kingdom of Atlantis. It’s never really explained, but Lilly can now breathe underwater, and sing too. It’s really quite something.
SFX: The music swells, film reel cuts out
NARRATOR
Shoot, this film’s really falling apart. It’s the last surviving copy, as far as I know. Just give me a second while I get this going here.
MID-ROLL
NARRATOR OK, I think I got it.
SFX: Sounds of film starting again. Gentle waves lapping the shore.
NARRATOR
Okay, so, Lilly was about to kiss King Triton, but at the last minute she hesitates. At that moment, whatever this spell is that the newts have cast, it’s broken, and suddenly, she can’t breathe. The extras in rubber suits try to help her, but she swims away towards the surface, and just as she’s about to drown, a hand reaches down through the waves...
SFX: Lilly gasps for air.
ABE
I’m here darling.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Wh-where am I?
ABE
You’re safe with me now, but you scared me half to death wandering off like --
MISS LILLY VALLEY (she cuts in, not listening)
I couldn’t breath, but...I felt so alive
SFX: splashing, steps
NEWT 1
It’s her, the queen!
ABE
Now what’s this?
NARRATOR
Oh I love this part
NEWT 2
Unhand her, human
ABE
Are these the brutes that did this to you?
KING TRITON
Bring me my Queen!
SFX: Watery punch, splashing
NARRATOR (Really getting into it)
There’s a fight. King Triton draws his sword. Abe, produces a machete.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Oh it’s all too much
SFX: More splashing
ABE
I’ll send you back to the watery depths, lizard fiend!
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Stop it, both of you!
NEWTS
Save the queen!
SFX: Metal on metal, splashing
NARRATOR
They draw close, the Triton King glinting in the sun!
KING TRITON
Stand aside, human!
ABE
Ha!
NARRATOR
It’s too late to stop them. There’s nothing poor Lilly can do.
MISS LILLY VALLEY
Abe no!!
SFX: Stabbing noises, dramatic music
NARRATOR (carried away, quickly)
And in a single motion, each suitor stabs the other, collapsing into a great heap on the shore. Lilly Valley is aghast, staring down at the carnage that her innocent, loving countenance has inspired. The newts carry their king back to the sea in a solemn march. But Lilly rushes after them, abandoning her fallen fiancee. There, at the water’s edge, she leans down, and with all the dignity of a queen, her golden hair brushing the glassy water, she brings her lips to those of King Triton, and gives a tender kiss…(finally losing steam)
SFX: Final fanfare. Applause from the film premier.
NARRATOR (once again composed)
Lovers On Pearl Island was a smash hit with audiences everywhere. The drama, the passion, the set pieces — it all felt like pure fantasy, escapism for a world gripped by the Great Depression. Looking back, though… see, there was another creature flick from around that same time called King Kong...something about a giant ape. You probably never heard of it -- total flop. It premiered a month after Lilly Valley’s film, and by then, there was simply no room for monkeys in our collective imagination — newt-mania had already taken hold. But I have to wonder, if only King Kong had come out first…
SFX - Bushwacking, mosquitos buzzing, heavy breathing. A small, French expedition team traversing an abandoned island.
NARRATOR
...would those scientists have gone off in search of Apes instead?
FRENCH SCIENTIST 1
This island has nothing but mosquitos!
NARRATOR
But no, the world wanted newts.
FRENCH SCIENTIST 2
All I’m saying is: the narrative is implausible. Lilly Valley could not possibly hold her breath so long, I mean—
FRENCH SCIENTIST 1
Stop! Don’t take another step…
FRENCH SCIENTIST 2
Mon dieu!! A footprint… un, deux, trois toes surrounded by webbed features — and look at the size of it.
FRENCH SCIENTIST 1
Prepare the plaster!
SFX: Labor, bags shuffling, mixing, pouring…
NARRATOR
As word spread that Lovers On Pearl Island was based on a true story, scientists from all over sailed to the East Indies, each determined to find Lilly Valley’s fabled newt. It was a race for the record books -- quite literally -- because whoever found the creature first would get to classify it. And you can be sure: each planned to name it after himself.
FRENCH SCIENTIST
Regarde!
NARRATOR
The French expedition landed on Rakahanga Island:
FRENCH SCIENTIST
I have created the first mold of the creature's footprint! It is truly a brand new amphibian -- the greatest discovery of moi, Dr. Marcel Dupree! And so, I shall call it the Marcel --
GERMAN SCIENTIST 1
Stop! Stop! Mein Gott...
SFX: Shovels digging into soil. A pick axe.
GERMAN SCIENTIST 1
Don’t dig another centimeter.
SFX: German dusting of soil. German GASPS!
NARRATOR
While the Germans made for the Sunda archipelago:
GERMAN SCIENTIST 2
Look: the creature's entire skeleton. Quadrupedal, antediluvian. It truly is a newt! And I, Dr. Thuring, have found the proof we’ve all been searching for. I shall call it the--
SFX: Water splashing...
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Stop him! Stop him! Good God, stop squirming!
SFX: Newt squeals, splashes, squirming.
BRITISH SCIENTIST 2
I’m trying!
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Toss me the net! The net, old boy! Hurry!
SFX: Splashing, catching, settling.
NARRATOR
And the British, to the Gilbert Isles:
BRITISH SCIENTIST 2
Ha, gotcha!
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Footprints? Skeletons? Those are mere matinees compared to the main event. Behold: I have captured a living, breathing, NEWT — the first ever in human captivity.
NARRATOR
Of course these scientists had no way of knowing that at that very moment, Captain Van Toch and his newt companion Toby were in fact lounging in Amsterdam harbor, nor that all these newts they thought they were discovering in their natural habitat, had in fact been ferried there as part of a massive pearl harvesting scheme. The scientists had no interest in these facts, only their own facts. When in fact—
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Will you be quiet! This is a great discovery! My greatest achievement! And when you come see it at the London Zoo! Oh, do note the placard by its cage, for it will say Genus: Antediluvian newt. Point of Origin: Gilbert Islands. Name—
NARRATOR
Andrias Scheuzcheri.
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
I’m sorry. No, it'll say J. S. Tinkleri. See that's my name: Tinkler, and I discovered the damn thing. So, Name: J.S. Tinkleri!
NARRATOR
I'm so sorry Dr. Tinkler, but if you’d let me finish, what I was trying to tell you is the newt was already discovered.
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
What?
NARRATOR
Yes! That specimen there -- turns out it matches a fossil discovered several centuries ago by a German scientist, Dr. Scheuzcher.
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Centuries ago!?
NARRATOR
I’m afraid so. He called the fossil: "proof of Man, early Man, he who witnessed the Great Flood, a memorial to an extinct human race, older than all Roman, Greek, and Egyptian tombs."
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
What a quack! That man sounds crazy!
NARRATOR
But he was first.
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
Well… well… he’s dead and I’m alive, so I’m taking this newt to the London Zoo!
NARRATOR
Where you’ll call it an Andreas Schuezcheri, right?
BRITISH SCIENTIST 1
...fine. Yes, fine.
NARRATOR
And that is how the Andrias Scheuzcheri made its way to the London Zoo, arriving with great fanfare.
SFX: Music and sounds give a feeling of a day at the carnival.
CHILD
Look mummy! Look!
PARENT
My goodness!
NARRATOR
The London Zoo doubled its revenue in just three months, as people flocked from all over to see a real life Lover from Pearl Island.
PARENT 2
It’s really… real.
CHILD
Just like in the movies!
NARRATOR
For its part, the Andreas Scheuzcheri mostly just sat and stared back at the humans looking in. And -- for some time -- that was enough.
SFX: Sudden end to the fanfare.
NARRATOR
But ultimately, this newt was little more than a fad, and kind of a slimy gross one at that. With new films premiering every week, it was only a matter of time before people moved on.
PARENT
Oh look -- it’s that… newt.
NARRATOR
Eventually the zoo relocated the Andreas Scheuzeri to a small enclosure in the back of the park. Where it received few visitors.
CHILD
Eww… Mummy it’s disgusting.
PARENT
Let’s go see the Elephant.
SFX: Mom scurries kid out of area. Quiet. Then newt croaking. Longer, faster, trying to sound something out… beneath the Narrator…
NARRATOR
Most people forgot about the Andreas Scheuzeri entirely — and it might’ve stayed that way, if not for a particular quirk in newt vocal folds...
ANDY (croaking)
Di--- Disg--- Disgusting. Disgusting! Disgusting!!
SFX: Echoing across zoo at night, other animals responding
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 2 featured…
Rebecca Robles, playing our starlet Lily Valley, who I gotta say, absolutely killed it as Cindy in the fourth season of Search Party, and also Jon-Michael Reese who did double duty as King Triton and the captured Andreas Scheuzeri. Guy’s got serious range — just wait till you hear episode 3 — and he’s making his Broadway debut at this very moment, so look him up!
Additional roles were performed by Sarah Naughton, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Avery Nelson, Chris Barron, and Joseph Medieros – with a bit of me and Ian thrown in for good measure – as well as Lindsay Nicole Chambers, our trusty narrator.
The music was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums, and help from Zack Zucker on guitar.
That was Sid Iyer, Lenny Fiannaca, Robbie Veglahn, Sam Lapine and Thomas Gatzke of the Tufts Beelzebubs laying down more sweet, sweet vocal harmonies.
Oh, and the entire score for Lovers on Pearl Island was composed and recorded by the talented Galen Huckins, who you podcast nerds may know as the musical mastermind behind Blue Dot Sessions.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and all of you, you sweet ocean waves, for tuning in.
Newts will return in Episode 3: THE NEWT TALKS. See you then.