Ep 1. That Ain't No Devil...
SAM
In 1936, a Czech writer named Karel Capek published his final book. It was called War with the Newts. As in - you know - the amphibian. Two years later, in October of 1938, the German army occupied Czechoslovakia, and this same writer was declared ‘Public Enemy Number Two.’ Two months after that, Karel Capek was dead. This story was inspired by that final book, the one about newts.
SFX: The sound of water dripping. A lone narrator tells the story from a basement archive, surrounded by books and documents.
SFX: Dragging a barrel filled with water down a hallway
VAN TOCH (grunting and breathing heavily)
C’mon… here we go… Damn you’re heavy...
NARRATOR
It’s hard to know exactly where to begin the story of the end of humanity. I know where it began for me. I know because I was there - that day, when Captain Van Toch knocked on the door.
SFX: knock, door opens
DOORMAN (Narrator)
...Can I help you?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Here to see Mr. Bondy.
DOORMAN
And you are?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m a Sea Captain, see? And I’ve got a—
DOORMAN
Mr. Bondy sees visitors by appointment. Only.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Well sure I got one of those...
SFX: Water splashing. Strange amphibian croaking.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (with hushed urgency)
Not yet, Toby. Hush, my boy.
SFX: cracks door open
DOORMAN
Is that a... barrel? What are you—? I’m sorry… Captain, Mr. Bondy is all booked up today.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Wait, please! Lives are at stake!
DOORMAN
...lives?
VAN TOCH (stumbling)
They’re starving, ya see? And it’s up to me. So many sweet little lives — and there’s business, too! Money to be made!
SFX: Splashing. Newt croaking.
NARRATOR
Wait. Stop, Sorry, we have to go back further. See, to understand why this Van Toch was at the door of one of the most powerful men in Amsterdam — blubbering over a suspicious barrel of water, no less — you have to understand what’s in the barrel of water. And to really understand that, we need to talk about pearls. So let’s begin again, with the story of Captain Van Toch...and a little song I like to call: “That Ain’t No Devil, That’s a Newt.”
“That Ain’t No Devil, That’s a Newt!”
(Uptempo, mixing sea shanty and surf-rock)
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
One, two, one two three four...
CHORUS (sung)
Captain Van Toch, sailed from Amsterdam
Thought he found a newt but it was much more like a man
Captain Van Toch, went in search of pearls,
Thought he changed his life but in the end he changed the world
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (sung, with CHORUS responding)
I am known throughout the ports of Europe as a sailor to be sure of
-- he’ll bring the goods!
I could take a rowboat through Gibraltar, and not take on a drop of water
-- yes he could!
So when the call came down from Amsterdam I answered like the captain that I am
Head first, rope in hand, the stars be cursed and the seas be damned.
The task was a simple one: pearls
-- pearls, pearls, pearls, pearls, pearls.
They’d emptied every stretch of shore, but I knew a place where no one’s looked before
-- so he set sail
I rounded Malta, the tip of Sri Lanka, then to an island off Sumatra...
-- for he’d heard a tale
NARRATOR
The tale goes like this...
SFX: waterside tavern
LOCAL KNOWLEDGE
They say the island’s cursed.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Cursed?
LOCAL KNOWLEDGE
Sea devils, they say.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Like a shark?
LOCAL KNOWLEDGE
Not sharks -- proper devils of the sea. They roam the shore, lying in wait. Ain’t no man set foot there comes back alive.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Then ain’t nobody found them pearls yet...
When I heard of an island shunned by man I went there like the captain that I am,
Feet first, bottle in hand, the gods be cursed and the devil be damned.
For that’s what the locals called it, Devil's Bay
-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
CHORUS (with CAPTAIN responding)
So the captain stepped ashore
-- I was looking for an oyster I could open with my knife
But he found something more
-- It came out of the water and I saw it was alive
SFX: wet footsteps, newt sounds
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
What was that? Show yourself? Well that ain’t no devil, that’s a newt!
He was three feet tall and coming closer, in one hand he held an oyster
-- but it was sealed
Just then I realized my luck for he had no tool with which to shuck his meal
-- so they made a deal
I pried the thing open, and inside was the most amazing pearl. But that newt didn’t care about no pearls. He just slurped up his dinner and chucked the thing. And that’s when his friends showed up…dozens of ‘em.
SFX: Newt voices
When I saw that this could be my chance I seized it like the captain that I am,
Line up, you boys and girls, You get the goop and I get the pearls.
There you go, Sonny. Everyone gets a turn! That’s it, my children, feast with your Father!
SFX: Slurping noises
NARRATOR
And that’s pretty much how it went, until along came a shark...
-- shark, shark, shark, shark, shark
CHORUS (with CAPTAIN responding)
The newt was like a child
-- I saw the look of panic as it spread across his face
Because he had nowhere to hide
-- He couldn’t leave the water and he couldn’t swim away
So the captain took his knife
-- I took a swig of whiskey and I dove into the fray
And he saved the newt’s life
-- I killed the shark and sent it to the bottom of the bay
SFX: waves on beach
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (spoken, out of breath)
My newts pulled me back to shore, and as we're lying there outta breath, it hit me. See, I ain’t never done one good thing for nobody ‘cept myself. But tonight I saved a newt, and that newt saved me. So I made a promise to myself: I'm gonna help these beautiful creatures. Im'a teach ‘em how to fend for themselves. Devil be damned, that's what I'm gonna do.
SFX: standing up with some effort
NARRATOR
Van Toch really meant it, and he got to work straight away.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Alright, gather round boys. See here, this is a knife.
NEWT
Knyfe...?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Don’t be scared. Ya take the pointy end and stick it right in the back of that oyster— see? Give a little wiggle and there ya go!
SFX: Newts curious. Croaking. Excited. (“Knyfe! “Knyfe!)
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Now you try! No-no-no! That’s the sharp side, can’t be hurting yourself, little man. That’s better. You just take it here and — did you see that?! My boy’s a smarty! Okay, who’s next? (fade under)
SFX: More Van Toch teaching, playing with the Newts. Music picks up, attention shifts back to Band Leader
NARRATOR
Nobody heard from Van Toch for months. Most assumed he’d drowned at sea — or at the bottom of a bottle.
SFX: Laughter, joy. Newts croaking, Van Toch responding like he understands them. A love story in background noise.
NARRATOR
But the Captain was having the time of his life: feasting on oysters and tending to his beloved newts...until a new problem emerged. Once the captain scared off all the sharks, the newt population grew and grew and grew.
SFX: Hordes of newts
NARRATOR
Soon they ate through all the oysters in Devil’s Bay. The problem is that they had nowhere else to go. These newts can’t travel far on land, but they can’t swim in the open ocean either. They were stuck, and soon they were starving.
SFX: Newts moaning, gasping
NARRATOR
It was all Van Toch’s fault, but he wasn’t about to give up.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Listen up, children. I just need the right kinda ship to get ya outta here! Like a ferry, you know? But with a big tub of water on top.
NARRATOR
A newt ferry. To pull this off, he needed money. The kind of money that was only found in Amsterdam, so Van Toch put his favorite newt Toby in a barrel of water, and the two set off for Europe.
CHORUS
Captain Van Toch, sailed to Amsterdam
Brought along a newt but it was much more like a man
Captain Van Toch, went in search of pearls,
Thought he changed his life but in the end he changed the world…
SFX: Dock sound fades up
NARRATOR
Van Toch knew what these businessmen were like: if it didn’t help their bottom line, they weren’t interested. So he had brought along all the pearls he could carry, plus Toby as the living proof. But even still, it was a tough sell.
SFX: Door slam. Knock knock.
DENIAL 1:
Newts you say?
DENIAL 2
Haven’t any time for lizards captain.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Now just hear me out...
DENIAL: 3
Crazy fool!
SFX: Slam!
NARRATOR
Van Toch lugged that barrel all around the harbor, whittling down his rolodex until there was just one name left: Mister Bondy — an old acquaintance and the last person he wanted to ask. But the Captain made a promise to his newts, so he knocked on that door, where he met me, working the day shift.
SFX: knock, door opens
DOORMANMr. Bondy sees visitors by appointment. Only.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Well sure I got one of those...
SFX: Water splashing. Strange amphibian croaking.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (with hushed urgency)
Not yet, Toby. Hush, my boy.
SFX: cracks door open
DOORMAN
Is that a... barrel? What are you—? I’m sorry, Captain, Mr. Bondy is all booked up today.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Wait, please! Lives are at stake!
DOORMAN
...lives?
VAN TOCH (stumbling)
They’re starving, ya see? And it’s up to me. So many sweet little lives — and there’s business, too! Money to be made!
SFX: Splashing. Newt croaking.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I know, Toby. Just a little longer now.
SFX: Door opens further.
DOORMAN
What the hell is going on out there?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m coming in!
SFX: Door opens, drags barrel in
DOORMAN
What do you think you’re doing? Captain! Stop!
SFX: A Shove. Door shut. Banging on the door.
NARRATOR
So the captain pushed right past me.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (through the door)
Mister Bondy good ta see ya!
MUSIC: fade in
NARRATOR
He shut the door and dove straight into his story.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
They called the place Devil’s Bay...
NARRATOR
I heard it all through the keyhole.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
...And I cut that shark straight up the middle.
NARRATOR
All building up to the grand reveal of his newt!
SFX: Barrel lid removed. Toby croaking.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Have ya ever seen something so special? I call him Toby, sir. He’s real clever -- they all are. Toby! Show’em how you can shuck an oyster!
SFX: Splash
NARRATOR
But before Toby could begin the demonstration, Bondy -- who had remained silent up to this point -- rose from his chair. The room went quiet. I heard each footstep, as he approached the newt.
SFX: Slow, dramatic footsteps
NARRATOR
Now -- there are three things you need to know about Mr. Bondy…
MUSIC: pivot
One. There’s a stack of business cards on his desk. On each card is printed just one word: “BONDY.” Not “so-and-so Bondy” or “Dr. Bondy, DDS,” just --
BONDY
B-O-N-D-Y. Bondy.
NARRATOR
-- Though he’d never say so out loud, there is no doubt that he takes great pride in the fact that within his world of maritime commerce, the name ‘Bondy’ speaks for itself.
Two. Though his business is the sea, Mister Bondy has no love of water. In fact, dating all the way back to a traumatic childhood incident --
BONDY
Nonsense! What incident?
NARRATOR
-- the details of which he has worked tirelessly to keep secret -- this shipping magnate has not set foot in or on any body of water larger than his solid copper bathtub.
Three. Bondy’s lack of aquatic acumen is more than made up for by his instincts in business --
BONDY
Just ask my competition:
NARRATOR
-- When other ships were powered by sails, Bondy’s were powered by coal -- by the time they caught up to coal, Bondy had already moved on to oil. He is relentless. He sees every angle. If there’s money to be made, he’ll make it, a deal to be had, he’ll find it.
MUSIC: stops
NARRATOR
Which is why the captain knew that Mr. Bondy was his newts’ last hope.
MID-ROLL
NARRATOR
For a long time Mr. Bondy said nothing. He just stood over the barrel, as Toby circled anxiously inside.
BONDY
What could I do, what could I do, what could I do with a newt such as you
What would I say, what would I say, what would I say, if the chance came my way…?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (clearing his throat)
Sir, ya might wanna step back, before he pops open that oyster. Go on, Toby -- just like we practiced.
BONDY
I’ve seen enough. My doorman will show you out.
SFX: Door opens
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
But he’s got these strong little hands, see? Good for--
BONDY (exasperated)
Pearls. Yes, I understand the proposition, Captain. But however novel your newt’s… knife-work may be, we’ve already stripped the East Indies of oysters. There’s none left.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
That’s what I’m saying, sir: there’s tons of oysters down there, just not any we can reach. But my boys know where to look -- they can find ‘em, grab ‘em, and shuck ‘em all on their own!
NARRATOR
In a dramatic gesture, Van Toch removed his cap, revealing a whole handful of pearls nestled inside.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Look!
SFX: Van Toch placing pearls on the table.
CAPTAIN
And that’s just a fraction of what we found down there. I’m telling ya: anyone who says the East Indies’ outta pearls, they don’t know my newts.
NARRATOR
But Bondy hardly glanced at the pearls. He was fixated on Van Toch’s face. Without the hat, the man looked strangely familiar.
BONDY
Forgive me -- what did you say your name was?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Captain— uh… well you can just call me, Captain, sir. The important thing is: right now my boys are starving down there. We gotta get them outta that bay!
TOBY
Knyfe!
BONDY
Somehow I feel like we’ve met before..
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Oh I think I’d remember meeting you, Mister Bondy.
BONDY
As would I…
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I say there’s plenty of time for getting to know ya’s once we set sail.
BONDY
Was it--? London! The annual maritime trade luncheon…?
VAN TOCH
I can be ready in the morning! Really Mister Bondy, I...
BONDY
No, no, it’s something farther back...were you the captain that used to run Havana for me?
VAN TOCH
Come on, sir! This is the opportunity of a lifetime! --
BONDY
...or could be from my days on the floor of the Amsterdam Exchange?
VAN TOCH
God Dammit Bondy! You always were stuck in that little head of yours. Just shut up and listen to me!
BONDY
...Van Toch.
Pause. A ghostly chorus begins to snap in tempo, singing a teasing childhood rhyme.
CHORUS
Bondy, Bondy,
Crying for his Mommy.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Not sure what you’re talking about.
CHORUS
Kick him in the arse,
And throw him in the pondy.
Music ends with an echoey SNAP
BONDY
You’re that Van Toch boy! The neighborhood bully!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
...Quite the memory you got there, Mister Bondy.
BONDY
I knew I recognized you. How long’s it been, forty years?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (cautiously)
You remember much from back then?
BONDY
I know you made my life a living hell.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Well, I made hell for a lotta folks but—
BONDY
You stole my lunch!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Only once in a while.
BONDY
Every day!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Never took your money, though!
BONDY
Do you remember what you used to say to me?
Bondy, Bondy, Sissy little blondie...
What comes next?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
...memory’s a little foggy on that one, sir.
BONDY
Go on. Finish it.
VAN TOCH
….Better learn to swim
Before I drown you in the pondy...
An awkward pause. Then, Bondy bursts out laughing. Relieved, Van Toch joins in.
BONDY
It’s good to see you!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
You mean, ain’t mad about that?
BONDY
It’s been forty years!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I am so thrilled to hear you say that, sir. That’s why I came straight to you about this here business operation.
BONDY
You did?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Them other folks wanted in but I said: “Nooooo siree. Me and Mister Bondy we go way back.”
BONDY
We sure do. It’s incredible.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
You said it.
BONDY
I mean, I'm so successful now. And you're this crazed, sniveling, newt-obsessed brute!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
What?
BONDY
Get out.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
But what about—
BONDY
Now.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m begging you, Mister Bondy. Please! I’m just so worried about my newts!!
The Captain breaks down, sniffling.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Maybe I was a nasty boy. And maybe you don't need to forgive me for any of it. But my newts -- Mister Bondy, they changed me. I'm trying to do something good.
BONDY
Take your pearls and go.
Pause, as resignation sets in.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Keep the pearls. I know it don’t add up to my transgressions, but I really am sorry.
SFX: Dragging barrel, music
NARRATOR
Van Toch looked me right in the eyes as he left.
VAN TOCH
Well, thanks anyway for opening the door...
SFX: Dragging barrel
NARRATOR
And then he was gone.
MUSIC: Newts theme
NARRATOR
I’ve replayed that day so many times I’ve lost count. I thought about it when pearls became as common as gumballs, when the fair came to town and people stood in line all day to see a newt in a top hat reading from the evening paper. When suddenly newts were inescapable, and all the women I knew started wearing ‘salamander skirts’ -- skin tight, down past the knees. God those were uncomfortable. I thought about that day when the Amsterdam canals were converted into breeding pools, when the first newt battalions were formed in the Baltic, when Venice was abandoned to the sea. Every time the water crept up, and those croaking sounds grew closer, a feeling washed over me -- that if I hadn’t opened that damn door, maybe none of this would have happened.
SFX: Shutting door, music cuts out
SFX: Bondy picks up a few pearls from the table.
BONDY
My God, these pearls must be worth two hundred thousand gilder, alone…!
NARRATOR
Or maybe it had to happen this way, and we’re just the unlucky people who got to act it all out.
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 1 featured…
Chris Barron, as Captain Van Toch, who’s got a great new solo album, Angels and One Armed Jugglers, and is still killing it with a little band you might’ve heard of called The Spin Doctors. Thanks for taking time off from your tours to come record with us, Chris. Episode 1 also featured Lindsay Nicole Chambers, as our trusty Narrator. On top of an amazing career on Broadway, Lindsay recently released her first album, called This Is the Chord, This Is the Note, which is just so good. Catchy, soulful – seriously, check it out.
Additional roles were performed by Sarah Naughton, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Alok Patel, Jon-Michael Reese, Putu Rekayasa, and Joseph Medieros as Mr. Bondy.
The music was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums. Sid Iyer, Lenny Fiannaca, Sam Lapine and Varun Sasisekharan of the Tufts Beelzebubs laid down those sweet, sweet vocal harmonies — and shout out to Naomi Yang for her assist on the Captain's Sea Shanty.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and all of you, you pack of slimy sea devils, for tuning in.
Newts will return in Episode 2: LOVERS ON PEARL ISLAND. See you then.