Ep 3. The Newt Talks
SAM
Hey again, Sam here – one of the creators of the show. So, the first thing I learned about Karel Capek was the first thing most people learn: that Capek invented the word ‘Robot’. It’s true. ‘Robot’ first appeared in a play he wrote with his brother in 1920. But Capek’s robots weren’t the machines we think of now; they were people -- grown in a lab, stripped of their souls, and sold to the world as cheap workers. The word itself came from the Czech roboti, which means ‘forced labor.’ Capek returned to this theme in War With The Newts: once again, humanity is faced with the power and possibility of new intelligent life, and once again, we must decide what to do with it…
SFX: Opening newspaper
BONDY
Dammit -- Captain, have a listen to this: “Already known for its beastial curiosities, the London Zoo has certainly outdone itself with the Andreas Scheuzeri, a giant salamander recovered from the Gilbert Islands.”
SAM
Episode 3: The Newt Talks
MUSIC: Best of us
SFX: Sets down paper
BONDY
First that cursed film, and now this.
NARRATOR
Business is good for Mr. Bondy and Captain Van Toch. Pearls are flowing in from the Pacific and the newts are more industrious than ever. But rumors have begun to flow in as well. Rumors that these newts can do more than just shuck oysters...
BONDY
We can’t just sit on our hands here. What’s our next move…?
VAN TOCH
Well I’m headed down to the docks to see Toby.
BONDY
Captain, this is important.
VAN TOCH (annoyed)
What could be more important than Toby?
BONDY
Andy.
VAN TOCH
Andy?
BONDY
Listen here, it goes on: “This Andreus Sheuzcheri has come to be known simply as ‘Andy,’ following a series of remarkable intellectual feats performed under the tutelage of one Thomas Greggs.
NARRATOR
I’ll take it from here. Mr. Greggs, aged 43, is a resident of Bethnal Green, where each morning he travels 90 minutes by bus to the London Zoo, where, since the age of 14, he has occupied the humble post of janitor.”
ZOO DIRECTOR
Morning Greggs
GREGGS
Mo’ning Mr. Director!
ZOO DIRECTOR
Afraid the apes have been at it again…
GREGGS
I’ll get right on it sir.
ZOO DIRECTOR
And check in on that newt, we’ve been getting complaints about the smell.
NARRATOR
“And it was in the course of carrying out these janitorial duties, that a most unusual thing happened…”
SFX: Mopping floor. Whistling tune of “The Newt Talks”
GREGGS
Awful shame they moved you all the way back here ‘eh. What are you, some kind of…And-reus...Scheu-zari...
SFX: Puts down mop
“The Newt Talks”
(60s British rock, think The Kinks)
GREGGS (sung)
Andreas Scheuzcheri I can hardly say your name, can I call you Andy?
Andy you must be so bored, floating in your tank, would you like a piece of candy, Andy?
Here you go Andy. Hungry fellow, eh.
GREGGS continues singing. Andy begins to respond, though GREGGS does not notice at first)
GREGGS (with ANDY responding)
Andreas Scheuzcher, that’s no kind of name, so I’ll call you Andy.
--So I’ll call you Andy…
Maybe I could be your friend and you could be my mate, wouldn’t that be dandy?
--Can I have a piece of cand--
Music stops suddenly
GREGGS
What was that?
ANDY
What was that?
GREGGS
You can talk?
ANDY
You can talk?
GREGGS
Well blimey can you Adam an Eve it?...go on then, say:
GREGGS (sung, with ANDY responding)
Good afternoon
--Good afternoon
Good afternoon
--Good afternoon….
ANDY
‘Can I have some candy?
GREGGS
Well, alright then. My name’s Mister Greggs.
ANDY
Bacon and eggs
GREGGS (with ANDY responding)
Say Greggs
--Say Greggs
Mister Thomas Greggs (Ooooh)
--Mister Thomas Greggs,
Good afternoon
--Good afternoon,
And I might say the same to you
--And I might say the you same too
GREGGS
No no, same to you, Andy. Same to --
SFX: Footsteps approach, gate opens
GREGGS
Shush now, someone’s coming...(quietly) it’s the Zoo Director! G’day Mr. Director!
ZOO DIRECTOR (same voice as BRITISH SCIENTIST)
Good day Mister Greggs. I was just giving a tour to my counterparts here from the Parc Zoologique de Paris and the Zoologischer Garten Berlin.
FRENCH ZOO DIRECTOR
Good afternoon!
GERMAN ZOO DIRECTOR
Good afternoon!
ANDY
Good afternoooooon!
ZOO DIRECTOR
Greggs, are you alright?
GREGGS
It’s not me sir, it’s...
ANDY (with GREGGS responding)
Are you alright (Oooh)
See I’m quite alright, though I have some news
ZOO DIRECTOR (with GREGGS responding)
Well what’s the news? (Ooooh)
--I’m afraid we’ve got a talking newt
ANDY
We got ‘a talking newt!
Music stops as ZOO DIRECTOR realizes what’s going on.
GREGGS
I call him Andy sir.
ZOO DIRECTOR
Andy?
ANDY
Would you like some candy sir?
GREGGS
Ya see I’ve been teachin’ him to speak proper like
ZOO DIRECTOR
Proper-ly Mister Greggs. Proper-ly.
ANDY
Proper-lyyyyyyyy
SFX: Footsteps, ZOO DIRECTOR approaches tank
ZOO DIRECTOR
Goodness I don’t believe it.
ANDY
Well blimey, can you Adam an’ Eve it?
ZOO DIRECTOR takes long breath, considering. Music starts, new tempo
ZOO DIRECTOR (forming an opinion as he goes)
What’s this, the newt talks
But get this, when it talks, it talks like a commoner
ZOO DIRECTOR (other ZOO DIRECTORS echo each line)
Now hear this, the newt talks
But get this, when it talks, it talks like it’s one of them
Talks like it’s one of them
How could it possibly, ever come to be, much of anything?
Greggs I won’t have it. This is the London Zoo, not a circus full of cheap tricks.
GREGGS
It’s not a trick sir, he’s really smart
ZOO DIRECTOR
Do you have a doctorate degree in Zoology?
GREGGS
Well, no sir, I--
ZOO DIRECTOR
Then stick to your mopping, Greggs, and leave that newt alone.
SFX: Storms out, slams gate.
Music slows, GREGGS sings to Andy, crestfallen.
GREGGS (sung, with ANDY responding)
Andy I’m so sorry, the men have gone away, can you hear me Andy?
(silence)
Andy you must be so scared, to hear them talk that way, but can you truly understand me?
--Can I have a piece of candy?
Andreas Scheuzcheri, you’re smarter than you look, shall we show ‘em Andy?
--Yes we’ll show them candy!
I’ve got the evening paper if you’d like to have a look, wouldn’t that be dandy, Andy!
Instrumental break, as the two practice reading the paper.
NARRATOR
With that, Greggs defied the Zoo Director, and redoubled his educational efforts, opening his student’s eyes to the wonders of the written word.
ANDY
Today’s water...
GREGGS
Weather Andy, see here...
ANDY w/ GREGGS helping him along
Rain tomorrow, light or moderate westerly, becoming southerly…
GREGGS
‘At a boy Andy, good!
Music pauses
NARRATOR
Until...
SFX: turning newspaper, splashing water
ANDY (fluently)
“The North triumphed in the Derby for the first time in 80 years, when Outsider, a horse with 50 to 1 chance, won from behind in Newmarket.
GREGGS
Well isn’t that mav’lous Andy.
ANDY
Yes Mister Greggs. What’s a horse?
ZOO DIRECTOR
Greeeeeggs!
SFX: Andy closes newspaper and dives under the water
GREGGS
Yes sir
ZOO DIRECTOR
Here I am once again surveying the grounds with my esteemed colleagues...
FRENCH ZOO DIRECTOR
Good afternoon!
GERMAN ZOO DIRECTOR
Good afternoon!
ANDY
Good afternooooon!
ZOO DIRECTOR
And I find you talking to that newt again.
GREGGS
Well we’re not talkin’ sir, he’s just readin’ the paper while I do the sweepin’.
ANDY
And then he reads the paper while I do the sweepin’
ZOO DIRECTOR
What?
GREGGS
He’s a real smarty sir, just listen – go on Andy
SFX: Picks up newspaper
ANDY
“London Tribune, April 23rd”
They begin to sing, demonstrating what ANDY has learned.
GREGGS (with ANDY responding)
Who will win the derby? (Ooooh)
--Pelham Beauty, or Gobernador
What’s tomorrow’s weather? (Oooooh)
--Calls for sunshine, right in the paper,
Wouldn’t you say so sir?
ZOO DIRECTOR
So you think you’re so smart do you, well we’ll see about that. Hmph!
ZOO DIRECTOR (with ANDY responding)
Who’s the King of England?
--King George!
And can you sing our anthem?
---“I want to hold your hand!
Quiet! Tell us of English history?
--Henry the VIII!
Hmph. And what exactly did he do?
--Best film in years, fantastic costumes!
So you’ve seen it, have you?
--No, sir! Want to see England? Buy a Ford!
And where would you go, if you could?
--Going out? Wear the Libella corset! You’ll look younger and no one has to know!
And just how old are you?
--Everyone, old and young, they all love Black Jacks! Licorice sweets that turn your tongue black!
And what about -- Andy, stop that! Andyyyyy
--Cadbury milk chocolates. Fry’s Flake bar. Chock full of nuts! Chock full of chocolate. Who’s nuts for chocolate! I am! I am!... Who wants chocolate! I do! I do! I dooooo!
ZOO DIRECTOR
What’s this, the newt reads?
But who needs, a newt that reads, the stuff of a commoner
ZOO DIRECTOR (with other ZOO DIRECTORS echoing each line)
Now it’s clear, this newt here
If it thinks at all then it thinks like a common man
Just like it’s one of them.
How could it possibly ever come to be much of anything?
NARRATOR
The Zoo Directors summarized these findings in an article for Natural Science.
ZOO DIRECTOR (spoken)
For millennia, humanity has wondered: could there be intelligent life beyond our own species? Today, the Andrias Scheuzcheri finally answers that question with a resounding no.
FRENCH ZOO DIRECTOR
Yes, this newt talks, but it likes horse racing, candies, the cinema -- just as an uneducated Englishman would.
GERMAN ZOO DIRECTOR
In our highly educated opinions, there is no need to be alarmed by the presence of a talking newt.
ZOO DIRECTOR
Indeed, the Andrias Scheuzcheri poses no greater threat to humanity than the common man.
SFX: Slams book shut
NARRATOR
Yes, well if only that were true. And it might have been, I suppose, if news of the world’s first talking newt had indeed been confined to an elite academic publication.
GREGGS (excited)
Andy….?
NARRATOR
If only…
GREGGS
Andy I’m afraid your story won’t be in their book, but I’ve got something better.
I brought the evening paper if you’d like to have a look, and you’re right on the cover, Andy!
GREGGS & ANDY
La la la la la la (Oooooh)
NARRATOR
After Andy made the paper, people flocked from all over the world to see the first talking newt. He might’ve been a disappointment to learned society, but the masses found his takes on popular culture quite relatable. He was a sensation.
SFX: Applause, flashbulbs, press conference, broadcast, laughter -- the world loves ANDY.
NARRATOR
Andy died several months later. Inflammation of the intestines. It was all the candy people gave him, doctors concluded. It’s a lesson for us all: too much of a good thing can be, well…
MID-ROLL
NARRATOR
When Mr. Bondy learned about Andy, his business instincts kicked into overdrive. Not because the newt could talk – but because the newt was popular…
BONDY
“Three hundred thousand people flood London’s streets for newt funeral…” All those people, all for this little fellow Andy. Van Toch, can you imagine that?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Must a’ been lonely with no friends around...
BONDY
Well I’d say he found plenty of love among the people. Three hundred thousand… Did they sell souvenirs at the Zoo? They’d be fools not too. How much do you think a newt stuffed animal might go for? Twenty, thirty pence? Maybe a pound for the big ones? Van Toch, are you listening?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m sorry, Mister Bondy. I just keep thinking about Toby. I haven’t been out to see him for a while now. Do you think he’s mad at me?
BONDY
How could he be mad? Look at all you’ve given him! The newts were helpless before you came along. Shark bait. Now they’re--
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Pearl fishers.
BONDY
Well sure, but also--
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Science experiments. Side shows. Slaves.
BONDY
Well they’re not people.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Haven’t they made you enough money, Mister Bondy?
BONDY
On the contrary -- this Andy fellow clearly illustrates that we’ve only scratched the surface of our enterprise. Think of it: what if anyone could own a newt -- as a pet? Like you and Toby! We could sell newt food, newt cages -- make toys, cartoons -- and that’s just for the cute ones. Then there’s construction, of course, maritime infrastructure, clerical services, manufacturing.
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Now hold on a minute --
BONDY
Business waits for no one, Captain. No, we need to call an emergency board meeting. Do you realize? We could own the newt market before it even exists…!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Enough!! I don’t wanna hear it. I asked you to help my boys, not exploit ‘em!
BONDY
Surely you don’t think you’re exempt from this?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
‘Course I am. All I did was save ‘em.
BONDY
Right. And did any newt ever ask to be ‘saved’?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
That ain’t fair!
BONDY
No really -- did Toby come running up to you, begging to be ‘rescued’ from Devil’s Bay?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
You stop it!
BONDY
We’re all using the newts, Captain, to our own ends… you don’t see that, do you?
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m going down to the docks.
BONDY (sharp, anger)
We’re not finished here!
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH (anger surges)The hell we are!
SFX: Punching table. A beat, then--
BONDY
Wait. I’m sorry. I—
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
Look, we had a deal, Mr. Bondy. The pearls are all yours, and the newts are all mine. So you keep scheming all you like, it ain’t gonna happen.
BONDY
Captain, I’m--
CAPTAIN VAN TOCH
I’m going to the docks to see Toby.
SFX: Captain grabs coat
BONDY
Let me walk with you.
MUSIC: “See a Little Me in You” sneaks in as…
SFX: They step out the door
NARRATOR
That was the last time I saw the captain, striding out the door with Mr. Bondy right behind him. It was only years later that I learned what happened, and even then, I only got one side of the story.
SFX: Waterfront ambience approaches
VAN TOCH
Toby! Toby!!
BONDY
Looks like the Sea Dog is in harbor this week…
VAN TOCH
Toby! Where’d you go, boy?
BONDY
Is that the Rotterdam’s Revenge sailing in now?
VAN TOCH
No that’s the Salty Pickle. See the sails?
BONDY
Ah, my mistake.
VAN TOCH
You’ll never find a slimier pack of bilge rats than that crew.
They both laugh, the mood softening
BONDY
I guess you don’t see too much of your old sea-faring buddies do you?
VAN TOCH
They ain’t no buddies of mine, Mr. Bondy.
(then)
Toby? Toby!
BONDY
...Because you know it’s only a matter of time before they get their hands on a newt.
SFX: Captain stops walking, thinking. Music stops with them.
BONDY
And when they do, trust me, they will have no qualms about putting your boys to work...however they see fit.
VAN TOCH breaths heavenly, getting angry
BONDY
C’mon, you know I’m right.
VAN TOCH
What did I tell you, Mr. Bondy…
BONDY
I’m just saying, it’s gonna happen -- the word is out and someone is going to capitalize on these creatures.
VAN TOCH
Stop it!
BONDY
Shouldn’t it be people who understand them, and love them, like we do?
SFX: Captain grabs Bondy by the collar
VAN TOCH (furious)
You’ve never loved them!
NARRATOR
Bondy told me later how Van Toch grabbed him by the collar and held him out over the water.
BONDY (breathing heavily)Whoa...easy captain
VAN TOCHI should have known better, you were always such a miserable little—
BONDY
Put me down, you brute!
VAN TOCH
Bondy, Bondy, crying to his Mommy...
BONDY
No....Please--
VAN TOCH
Better run away before I drown you in the pondy!
BONDY (sniveling, scared)
DON’T DROP ME! DON’T DROP ME!! DON’T DROP ME PLEEEEASE!
VAN TOCH
What’s a matter. Still don’t know how to swim?
SFX: Newts Sounds.
BONDY
Look! Captain, it’s Toby!!
VAN TOCH (mood changes, amazed)
Toby…? Toby, it’s you!
NARRATOR
The captain really was a different man around the newts...
SFX: Bondy coughing, breathing heavy.
VAN TOCH
I’m sorry Mr. Bondy, I didn't mean any of it. Ya see, everything’s okay now! Toby’s here!
SFX: Captain gasps, dropping Mr. Bondy onto the dock. Bondy, gasping for air.
NARRATOR
They had changed him.
SFX: Splashing from below, newt sounds
NARRATOR
But they hadn’t changed the rest of us. And they certainly hadn’t changed Mr. Bondy.
CHORUS (ghostly, distant but growing closer, repeating under...)
Bondy, Bondy, crying to his Mommy.
Kick him in the arse, and throw him in the pondy
Bondy, Bondy, sissy little Blondie.
Better run away before I drown you in the pondy.
VAN TOCH (laughing)
Oh Toby… I missed you so much!
Toby croaks with joy.
NARRATOR
Mr. Bondy slowly regains composure. He looks around, confirming that no one had seen his moment of weakness, then reaches for a handkerchief in his jacket pocket.
VAN TOCH chuckling, playing with Toby
NARRATOR
But he finds something else instead — an oyster knife, beautiful inlay, mother-of-pearl handle… how did that wind up there?
CHORUS keeps fading up, reaching a crescendo
NARRATOR
Did he always carry it with him? He can’t remember now. Can’t think of anything. Anything but that nasty song. It fills his ears. Swallowing him entirely. Another glance around the docks, what to do? How to end it? He clutches the knife… and suddenly, he hears, with utter clarity, something Van Toch said once, about teaching his newts how to shuck an oyster— “take the pointy end and stick it right in the back.”
SFX: Stab, CHORUS cuts out, VAN TOCH gasps.
NARRATOR
And that’s exactly what Mr. Bondy did.
SFX: Van Toch falls into the water. Everything is watery, distant sounding, then there is music.
VAN TOCH (singing)
My child, my truth
My pride, my proof
I can see a little me in you,
I see a little me in you.
NARRATOR
I’ll never forget the look on his face when Mr. Bondy came back from the docks. His hair and clothes were a mess, his hands were shaking.
BONDY & VAN TOCH
My dream come true
My confidence come through
I can see a little me in you
See a little me in you
See a little me in you
See a little me in you (slow fade)
NARRATOR
He sent us all home early that day, and told me to call an emergency meeting of the board for the next morning.
SFX: Boardroom meeting fades, people sitting down.
NARRATOR
It was there, that he broke the news, and laid out his vision for the future.
An awkwardly long pause…
“Moment of Silence”
(A gentle 6/8 Doo-wop number)
BONDY
Gentlemen thank you all for coming, I have some news I must confide.
Our founder, our leader, my personal friend, Captain Van Toch has died.
Please I know you all have much to say but that can wait for just a...
Moment of silence
A moment of silence
Moment of silence for our captain…
We may have had our disagreements, but now we’ve laid them all to rest.
For our kind, for our country, for our newts and for ourselves,
We both just wanted what was best.
Please I know you all have much to say but that can wait for just a…
Moment of silence
A moment of silence
Moment of silence for our captain…
BONDY (spoken)
Van Toch came to me with a dream - newts and man, hand and paw, prospering together. In honor of our late Captain, I say it’s time we share that dream with the world. A newt for every man, woman, and child! Sold at a competitive price, of course.
BOARDMEMBERS
Here! Here!
BONDY
Gentlemen, we stand at the threshold of a new era, an Age of Atlantis! All in favor of honoring the late Captain?
BOARDMEMBERS
Aye!
BONDY
All in favor of selling newts to the world?
BOARDMEMBERS
Aye!
BONDY
All in favor of getting filthy rich?
BOARDMEMBERS
AYE!!!
Music pauses
BONDY
But first...
BONDY (with BOARDMEMBERS responding, oohs and ahhs)
Won’t you give me that moment of silence
A moment of silence
Moment of silence for our captain…
Won’t you give that moment of silence
A moment of silence
A moment of --
NARRATOR
...silence for what has been.
SAM
Newts is a production of PRX and The Truth Podcast.
It’s created by Ian Coss and myself, Sam Jay Gold.
Our Story Editor is Jonathan Mitchell and our Executive Producers are Jocelyn Gonzales and Jonathan Mitchell.
Episode 3 featured…
Julian Saporiti, as Mr. Greggs, who’s the voice and brains behind No-No Boy, a folk-rock band that researches, writes, and releases song upon gorgeous song about the hidden lives of Asian-American immigrants. Do yourself a favor and check out his latest album, 1975, which is a heart-grabber and a toe-tapper. And it’s high time we shout out Joseph Medeiros, who plays Mr. Bondy and the Zoo Director, and who was recently profiled in the New Yorker for his one-man performances of the Odyssey in Ancient Greek. You should definitely catch his show next time it’s on.
Additional roles were performed by Sarah Naughton, Avery Nelson, Juan Ignacio Sanguinetti, Chris Barron, and you guessed it: Lindsay Nicole Chambers as our trusty narrator.
The music was composed and performed by Ian Coss, with Bill Carbone on the drums and Sid Iyer, Lenny Fiannaca, Robbie Veglahn, Sam Lapine and Thomas Gatzke of the Tufts Beelzebubs laying down their sweet, sweet vocal harmonies – and all those boardroom cheers.
Our artwork is by Caroline Hu and our recording engineer is Robin Buyer.
Special thanks to Jason Saldanha, Mirek Trejnar, and all of you, you salty pickles, for tuning in.
Newts will return in Episode 4: CHANNEL SURFING. See you then.